1. Find a good therapist (Check)
2. Make a career change and/or job change (Check)
3. Gain 10 lbs in muscle (Check)
4. Focus on people's good qualities in an effort to appreciate them more and improve my attitude towards them. (This is an on going thing, but something I still need to work on)
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Walls
What's your motivation when the day is through?
Do you justify your actions by what's been done to you?
Do you do good to bind others to obligation,
To coerce some form of self gratification?
Is it a desire to purge yourself of guilt?
Former circumstances without protection built.
The walls defend against a pain's repeat,
But your walls inevitably bare defeat.
The walls cannot block the pain that's within
The barriers also thwart joy that could begin.
Do you justify your actions by what's been done to you?
Do you do good to bind others to obligation,
To coerce some form of self gratification?
Is it a desire to purge yourself of guilt?
Former circumstances without protection built.
The walls defend against a pain's repeat,
But your walls inevitably bare defeat.
The walls cannot block the pain that's within
The barriers also thwart joy that could begin.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Appropriate Quote
"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against [our] benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit [us]."
~ Anais Nin
Seek
Do I really seek truth?
It's so ugly and uncouth
Each time I strip away a lie
I watch beauty whither and die.
How often does a gorgeous facade
Conceal something most retched and odd?
How often is the sound of praise
Used to manipulate and to maze?
Do the beliefs I cling to for hope
Wrap around my neck in the form of a rope?
Is the reality I think I exist in
Held up by a cloth worn and paper thin?
It's so ugly and uncouth
Each time I strip away a lie
I watch beauty whither and die.
How often does a gorgeous facade
Conceal something most retched and odd?
How often is the sound of praise
Used to manipulate and to maze?
Do the beliefs I cling to for hope
Wrap around my neck in the form of a rope?
Is the reality I think I exist in
Held up by a cloth worn and paper thin?
Taskmaster
The image in permanent view
My self-perception is askew
Ever trying to be
Like those images I see.
The ideal hanging over my head
Other endeavours left unfed
The taskmaster's lashing me;
No chains, yet I do not flee.
I'm afraid there's no place to run
He's been there since life's begun
There's no one crueler, you see;
For the taskmaster is me.
My self-perception is askew
Ever trying to be
Like those images I see.
The ideal hanging over my head
Other endeavours left unfed
The taskmaster's lashing me;
No chains, yet I do not flee.
I'm afraid there's no place to run
He's been there since life's begun
There's no one crueler, you see;
For the taskmaster is me.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Lunch with Mom
So I took my mom out of lunch today. This is actually the 4th or 5th time we've gone out to eat together. Is that unusual? Some people think it's weird that I take my mom out to eat places.
Truth is, she loves the places I take her so much it's hard not to have a good time.
This time we went to Ticoz near 7th Street and Camelback and she absolutely loved it. I can't wait to take her to some other fun place.
Truth is, she loves the places I take her so much it's hard not to have a good time.
This time we went to Ticoz near 7th Street and Camelback and she absolutely loved it. I can't wait to take her to some other fun place.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Holy sh*t, it's been a year!
Today I've been with AMEX (contracted through CDI) for a year. Boy, the days felt like weeks, but the weeks felt like days. Made so many good friends, I really am fortunate to work with excellent and open-minded individuals.
I didn't know if they'd renew my contract, come today I was wondering if all of a sudden I'd be unemployed. Fortunately I'm still here and bringing home a paycheck.
I didn't know if they'd renew my contract, come today I was wondering if all of a sudden I'd be unemployed. Fortunately I'm still here and bringing home a paycheck.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Dr. Not-As-Advertised
I have this friend at work that doesn't really work with me, but comes by to say "Hi" sometimes. He's a part of the extended groups of friends that I usually meet through my coworkers.
A while back he asked me if I'd be interested in meeting one of his friends for a date sometime. Immediately I ask, "Well tell me about him, what's he like?"
The picture he painted for me was quite pretty, "Well, he's a doctor and I think about 35"
"No problems there," I reply approvingly.
"...and he's a big body builder type, do you get into that?" my friend asks with sincere doubt.
"I could definitely get into that!" I answer holding back the laughter.
So a couple of weeks later the ball starts rolling...I send my friend a picture of me and he sends it to my date. He likes, check.
Then my friend shoots me an IM, "Man, I really f-ed up...turns out he's actually 45...but he totally looks 35!"
I give the green light, but doubt begins to build.
There's an abnormal delay in getting a reciprocating picture, but I already have such a pretty picture in my head that I proceed; I make all the arrangements, when, where.
I get an email from my work friend, "Here's the picture I kept forgetting to send..."
I download it from my BlackBerry and open it. Stunned, I stood fixated on the small digital pixels for at least a minute.
"Who is this? There must be some mistake. Not only is this man old enough to be my father (45), he looks older than my father (50)."
I studied the picture more, the man was completely bald and slightly chunky looking.
"Body builder? I'm sorry, but no one could stretch it that far."
All the arrangements are made though...it's just not in me to back out. So I go through with it. Many of my friends find my predicament amusing.
The date went exactly as I expected and hoped it would...there was nothing and we ended our evening with a quick hug.
Life goes on as normal now, with one small change. My work friend now has the word "CLUELESS" imagined to be stenciled across his forehead.
A while back he asked me if I'd be interested in meeting one of his friends for a date sometime. Immediately I ask, "Well tell me about him, what's he like?"
The picture he painted for me was quite pretty, "Well, he's a doctor and I think about 35"
"No problems there," I reply approvingly.
"...and he's a big body builder type, do you get into that?" my friend asks with sincere doubt.
"I could definitely get into that!" I answer holding back the laughter.
So a couple of weeks later the ball starts rolling...I send my friend a picture of me and he sends it to my date. He likes, check.
Then my friend shoots me an IM, "Man, I really f-ed up...turns out he's actually 45...but he totally looks 35!"
I give the green light, but doubt begins to build.
There's an abnormal delay in getting a reciprocating picture, but I already have such a pretty picture in my head that I proceed; I make all the arrangements, when, where.
I get an email from my work friend, "Here's the picture I kept forgetting to send..."
I download it from my BlackBerry and open it. Stunned, I stood fixated on the small digital pixels for at least a minute.
"Who is this? There must be some mistake. Not only is this man old enough to be my father (45), he looks older than my father (50)."
I studied the picture more, the man was completely bald and slightly chunky looking.
"Body builder? I'm sorry, but no one could stretch it that far."
All the arrangements are made though...it's just not in me to back out. So I go through with it. Many of my friends find my predicament amusing.
The date went exactly as I expected and hoped it would...there was nothing and we ended our evening with a quick hug.
Life goes on as normal now, with one small change. My work friend now has the word "CLUELESS" imagined to be stenciled across his forehead.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Emma Smith: My Story
Last night I took my swim buddy and fellow recovering Mormon to "Emma Smith: My Story"
Just so we're all on the same page, Emma Smith was married to Joseph Smith Jr., the original leader of the Mormon Church, when the church first started and was forced to move as far as Nauvoo, IL.
You're probably wondering why two ex-Mormons like us would go and see such a movie, and under most circumstances I'd pass up this movie and not give it a second thought. First of all, it was free, a free preview to a work-in-progress film. Also, I'd be given a chance to critique a Mormon-made film, which is an opportunity I felt I couldn't pass up :)
My friend Taylor finds religion very fascinating despite his rather bitter past and since I was allowed one guest, I knew I had to invite him.
The movie was definitely Mormon-centric. A more appropriate title to this flick would be, "Joseph Smith through the eyes of Emma" Some parts made me uncomfortable with their overly religious content and bias.
All in all, I'd have to say I didn't like the film; too slow and religious for my taste. The movie only lasted about 1:45 min, but it felt more like 3+ hours to me.
Just so we're all on the same page, Emma Smith was married to Joseph Smith Jr., the original leader of the Mormon Church, when the church first started and was forced to move as far as Nauvoo, IL.
You're probably wondering why two ex-Mormons like us would go and see such a movie, and under most circumstances I'd pass up this movie and not give it a second thought. First of all, it was free, a free preview to a work-in-progress film. Also, I'd be given a chance to critique a Mormon-made film, which is an opportunity I felt I couldn't pass up :)
My friend Taylor finds religion very fascinating despite his rather bitter past and since I was allowed one guest, I knew I had to invite him.
The movie was definitely Mormon-centric. A more appropriate title to this flick would be, "Joseph Smith through the eyes of Emma" Some parts made me uncomfortable with their overly religious content and bias.
All in all, I'd have to say I didn't like the film; too slow and religious for my taste. The movie only lasted about 1:45 min, but it felt more like 3+ hours to me.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
What's happened to customer service?
There's doctor's offices and customer service, and never the twain shall meet.
They refer to me as a "patient", so I guess that wouldn't entitle me to any treatment that a customer would expect.
The last several times I've visited my doctor the woman behind the front desk has asked me for my insurance card. Finally the last visit I'd had enough, "You know, every time I come in here you ask me for my card."
Now the lady behind the desk tells me I have a balance over $200 with them. Hmmm, I wonder...how do you expect to receive payment unless you're actually billing my insurance? Were you taking my insurance card to admire its aesthetics?
Thinking about it, customer service has never been a part of the doctor experience. I'm always forced to wait, often patronized and/or ignored. Ya know, feels a little like dating someone. "Doctor, if you're going to f*** me this hard maybe I should be charging you!"
They refer to me as a "patient", so I guess that wouldn't entitle me to any treatment that a customer would expect.
The last several times I've visited my doctor the woman behind the front desk has asked me for my insurance card. Finally the last visit I'd had enough, "You know, every time I come in here you ask me for my card."
Now the lady behind the desk tells me I have a balance over $200 with them. Hmmm, I wonder...how do you expect to receive payment unless you're actually billing my insurance? Were you taking my insurance card to admire its aesthetics?
Thinking about it, customer service has never been a part of the doctor experience. I'm always forced to wait, often patronized and/or ignored. Ya know, feels a little like dating someone. "Doctor, if you're going to f*** me this hard maybe I should be charging you!"
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Chances
How can you ask for a single chance?
You've had your shot, twice...thrice;
I see a thousand when I take a glance.
Only one? Wouldn't that be nice.
You're only asking for ONE more.
Easy enough wouldn't you say?
It's a lot more difficult after a score
One more spent and another to pay
How many chances do you need my friend?
Your requests, I fear, will never end
The points against you begin to mount
I'm sorry the pretenses never count!
You've had your shot, twice...thrice;
I see a thousand when I take a glance.
Only one? Wouldn't that be nice.
You're only asking for ONE more.
Easy enough wouldn't you say?
It's a lot more difficult after a score
One more spent and another to pay
How many chances do you need my friend?
Your requests, I fear, will never end
The points against you begin to mount
I'm sorry the pretenses never count!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
That Path
I’ve been down that path before
And others I’ve yet to explore
You can’t force me, I won’t follow you
The path I’ll blaze only taken by few.
Can’t conjure the love you express to me
My decision is already made you see
My heart knows that terrain too well
All connections ready to expel
And others I’ve yet to explore
You can’t force me, I won’t follow you
The path I’ll blaze only taken by few.
Can’t conjure the love you express to me
My decision is already made you see
My heart knows that terrain too well
All connections ready to expel
Friday, November 02, 2007
"For the Bible Tells Me So"
I heard about this movie a while back, but thought it would never make its way to Phoenix. Fortunately the small theater on Mill Avenue near ASU showed it last weekend.
A group of friends and I saw it together and I must say I was impressed. This movie basically outlined how many people have used the Bible to stigmatize and justify their hatred toward particular groups of people; historically, African Americans, women and more recently, gay people. It was a very emotional at times, some people seeing the light from the beginning, others only a portion of the light, and some seeing it a little too late.
I knew I was in for a treat when there were protesters outside; oblivious to the fact they were proving the point of the movie.
A group of friends and I saw it together and I must say I was impressed. This movie basically outlined how many people have used the Bible to stigmatize and justify their hatred toward particular groups of people; historically, African Americans, women and more recently, gay people. It was a very emotional at times, some people seeing the light from the beginning, others only a portion of the light, and some seeing it a little too late.
I knew I was in for a treat when there were protesters outside; oblivious to the fact they were proving the point of the movie.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Maddox on fashion
This website is totally tactless and offensive...so I love it!
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion
WARNING: This site may be blocked on company computers.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion
WARNING: This site may be blocked on company computers.
Brother's Mission Call
For those of you who are unfamiliar, a mission call is an important thing to young Mormon men. It's the time in their life when they find out where the Mormon church is going to send them to teach other people about the Mormon church.
My brother, Luke, sent in his information to Salt Lake City (Church Headquarters) a couple of weeks ago.
My personal guess was that he'd serve in Missouri, but turns out he'll be in the Florida Orlando Mission. Wow, crazy! Two years of your life in a place you've never been before. I can't believe it's been almost 9 years since I was going through the same thing. Gosh, I feel old.
My brother, Luke, sent in his information to Salt Lake City (Church Headquarters) a couple of weeks ago.
My personal guess was that he'd serve in Missouri, but turns out he'll be in the Florida Orlando Mission. Wow, crazy! Two years of your life in a place you've never been before. I can't believe it's been almost 9 years since I was going through the same thing. Gosh, I feel old.
Personal Training
Today's an exciting milestone for me. I'm hoping to make a big change in my appearance (unrealistic perhaps) and begin work with a personal trainer.
My goal is to gain 25 of muscle in 3 months. Too much? Not likely? Well if nothing else I'd like to become the beef cake version of ME. Ok, so maybe that's still skinny, but improvement is what I'm looking for. Most of all I'd like to learn how to use weights...all I've ever done is swim; I'm clueless when it comes to weight training. I'm hoping this program will help me with that deficiency.
Wish me luck, I start today at 7pm.
My goal is to gain 25 of muscle in 3 months. Too much? Not likely? Well if nothing else I'd like to become the beef cake version of ME. Ok, so maybe that's still skinny, but improvement is what I'm looking for. Most of all I'd like to learn how to use weights...all I've ever done is swim; I'm clueless when it comes to weight training. I'm hoping this program will help me with that deficiency.
Wish me luck, I start today at 7pm.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
- Reality Check -
1. Most people don't know I exist
2. Most of my acquaintances don't care about me
3. Many of my acquaintances don't like me
4. Most of my friends don't care if I'm their friend at all
5. Many of my friends only pursue what they can get from me
6. Many of my friends often get annoyed with me
7. Some of my friends love me despite my flaws.
8. Some of my friends love me for my flaws
9. A few of my friends love and care about me.
...And all that doesn't matter if I care about myself as much as I want others to.
2. Most of my acquaintances don't care about me
3. Many of my acquaintances don't like me
4. Most of my friends don't care if I'm their friend at all
5. Many of my friends only pursue what they can get from me
6. Many of my friends often get annoyed with me
7. Some of my friends love me despite my flaws.
8. Some of my friends love me for my flaws
9. A few of my friends love and care about me.
...And all that doesn't matter if I care about myself as much as I want others to.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Making You Mine
When all the songs seem to be about you
When your voice sheds every shade of blue
And your presence draws light from above
I simply must ask, ‘could it be love?’
When all your wants become mine too
And your smile pearces my chest through
Could it be some silly infatuation,
Or could it be love?
My euphoria sores, my mind's grounded
I know my feelings are firmly founded
When your bliss means more than making you mine
I know it must be love.
When your voice sheds every shade of blue
And your presence draws light from above
I simply must ask, ‘could it be love?’
When all your wants become mine too
And your smile pearces my chest through
Could it be some silly infatuation,
Or could it be love?
My euphoria sores, my mind's grounded
I know my feelings are firmly founded
When your bliss means more than making you mine
I know it must be love.
Reflections
You go through life trying to please them all
A social construct that will always fall
Your happiness contingent on theirs
Disappointment is the best it fares
Forcing yourself into everyone's mold
Trying to do and look as you’re told
You’re pushed and pulled in all directions
Avoiding truths like deadly infections
You resist eye contact with the mirror
Unfamiliar with how you appear
The shell does not reveal
The person you’re still.
A social construct that will always fall
Your happiness contingent on theirs
Disappointment is the best it fares
Forcing yourself into everyone's mold
Trying to do and look as you’re told
You’re pushed and pulled in all directions
Avoiding truths like deadly infections
You resist eye contact with the mirror
Unfamiliar with how you appear
The shell does not reveal
The person you’re still.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Halo 3
Got my copy of Halo 3 in the mail on Wednesday.Wow! It is so great! The graphics have substantially improved and the campaign storyline is riveting! I was up until 1am last night "finishing the fight."
It was like watching and participating in a cinematic environment. The scenery was gorgeous with remarkable detail.
The characters seemed like real people as well. Usually video game characters and dialog are one dimensional and lifeless, but the blend of voice talent and animated scenes in Halo 3 sets a new standard for video game story lines.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Angels Find Devils
The world's a certain dichotomy
With a symmetric anatomy
The bad and the good
Both powers understood
Yet the two seem to find
Solace in each other's mind
The bad, they like to take
All the good the good can make
Most bad, they recognize
The good ones as a prize
And still don't wish to be
Like the goodness that they see.
The good, they do not tire
Though their work's consumed by fire.
They'll let themselves be hurt
And drag their feelings through the dirt
They may sing a bitter song,
But go right back to be wronged.
And I cannot comprehend
Why all the energy we expend
Trying to find a fit
With a perfect opposite
While the angels find devils
And demons higher levels.
With a symmetric anatomy
The bad and the good
Both powers understood
Yet the two seem to find
Solace in each other's mind
The bad, they like to take
All the good the good can make
Most bad, they recognize
The good ones as a prize
And still don't wish to be
Like the goodness that they see.
The good, they do not tire
Though their work's consumed by fire.
They'll let themselves be hurt
And drag their feelings through the dirt
They may sing a bitter song,
But go right back to be wronged.
And I cannot comprehend
Why all the energy we expend
Trying to find a fit
With a perfect opposite
While the angels find devils
And demons higher levels.
Sunfish Web Master
Guess who is the Sunfish's new web master? Yeppers! Yours Truly. I'm sure I'm going to get more than I bargained for, but that kind of goes with the territory.
Needless to say I've every intention to improve the site's aesthetics and functionality. I'll be sure to post notes about any alterations I make.
Needless to say I've every intention to improve the site's aesthetics and functionality. I'll be sure to post notes about any alterations I make.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Heartache I Don't Admit
We jumped in real quick
Clearly I was your pick
And you were mine too
Ignoring what we'd go thru
And ignoring who we are
Two worlds; so so far
I change everything for you
Asking for the same is too much
So I leave you behind as I grew
Until our paths no longer touch
The end is painful and slow
And why? Well, we both know.
I still feel your voice
And your skin against mine
Loving you was no choice
Feelings I can't define
The heartache I don't admit
And the feelings won't quit
Clearly I was your pick
And you were mine too
Ignoring what we'd go thru
And ignoring who we are
Two worlds; so so far
I change everything for you
Asking for the same is too much
So I leave you behind as I grew
Until our paths no longer touch
The end is painful and slow
And why? Well, we both know.
I still feel your voice
And your skin against mine
Loving you was no choice
Feelings I can't define
The heartache I don't admit
And the feelings won't quit
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
TMI
1. What did you eat for dinner yesterday? A protein shake with blueberries...not all that yummy, but at least it was something.
2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now? NONE!
3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn't like? I don't mind playful flirtation, but I quickly move away from aggressive flirters.
4. Do you believe the theory "Once a cheater always a cheater"? I certainly do~!
5. Describe your sex life in two words. Inconsistent, varied.
Bonus (as in optional): Would you/have you ever paid money for sex? No!
2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now? NONE!
3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn't like? I don't mind playful flirtation, but I quickly move away from aggressive flirters.
4. Do you believe the theory "Once a cheater always a cheater"? I certainly do~!
5. Describe your sex life in two words. Inconsistent, varied.
Bonus (as in optional): Would you/have you ever paid money for sex? No!
Monday, August 27, 2007
Too skinny?
Ok, so nearly everyone at work thinks I'm too skinny.
I recently started this new low-fat diet and I'm getting leaner, but not really building any mass. I bought some protein shake mix to help my body build muscle, but I don't think swimming is the best way to bulk-up. Soooo, my plan is to get a personal trainer and hopefully consult a dietitian so I can start to gain some GOOD weight.
I recently started this new low-fat diet and I'm getting leaner, but not really building any mass. I bought some protein shake mix to help my body build muscle, but I don't think swimming is the best way to bulk-up. Soooo, my plan is to get a personal trainer and hopefully consult a dietitian so I can start to gain some GOOD weight.
WoW
Yep, that's right...World of Warcraft! My cousin, Eldon, bought me a copy of the infamous MMORPG and now I'm a computer game nerd in addition to already prevalent nerdiness.As of today I have a level 11 Horde Warrior. I can't believe how addicting this game is!
Scottsdale Jean Co.
So I totally went crazy and made my way to Scottsdale Saturday morning to buy some jeans at the Scottsdale Jean Company.The service was great. I had two women helping me find my sizes (30X34) and then giving me feedback when I tried them on. I must have gone through more than 12 pairs in 5 minutes. Talk about power shopping.
Ten minutes and $230 later I had my hot new Jet Lag Jeans. Nice!I invited my friend Jim to come along, just because we hadn't seen each other in quite a while and he lives near the store. He got to sit in the hot seat a.k.a. the husband chair while I tried on my jeans. The people there most likely assumed he is my sugar daddy, but every penny for those jeans came out of MY account.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Social Overload?
Whoa! Crazy busy weekend!
Right after work was finished on Friday I went to see my former coworker Mathew at his going away party. He's moving to South Korea to accept a position as a public school English teacher. I saw other former coworkers there too: Julia, Sean, Mike, Jacob and others.
I spent about an hour at Mat's going-away party and then proceeded to Chris' Grand Re-Opening Event; Chris, a member of the Sunfish, owns a clothing store called Retail Laboratory at the Biltmore. I was silly and bought two shirts there ($70+ ouch). After a short while I was joined at the re-opening event by Eddie, Gregg and Andy from the swim team. Eddie, Andy and I went to see the Borne Ultimatum at the Esplanade across the street once we'd had enough of the heat. The movie was pretty good, but we sat waaaaaaay too close to the screen.
Saturday morning I picked up my mom and my sister's Lacey and Cassi for brunch at FEZ in downtown Phoenix. I love that place. Then for Lacey's birthday present I took her shopping at Chandler Fashion Center. Good times!
After our little shopping spree I went on to swim practice and swam lots of freestyle distance (yuck!)
Finally I spent dinner with my friend and freelance boss Dave.
I spent Sunday Morning working with Dave as well and then had dinner with my family.
OMG! Not a spare moment. I didn't even get laundry done. Sheesh.
Right after work was finished on Friday I went to see my former coworker Mathew at his going away party. He's moving to South Korea to accept a position as a public school English teacher. I saw other former coworkers there too: Julia, Sean, Mike, Jacob and others.
I spent about an hour at Mat's going-away party and then proceeded to Chris' Grand Re-Opening Event; Chris, a member of the Sunfish, owns a clothing store called Retail Laboratory at the Biltmore. I was silly and bought two shirts there ($70+ ouch). After a short while I was joined at the re-opening event by Eddie, Gregg and Andy from the swim team. Eddie, Andy and I went to see the Borne Ultimatum at the Esplanade across the street once we'd had enough of the heat. The movie was pretty good, but we sat waaaaaaay too close to the screen.
Saturday morning I picked up my mom and my sister's Lacey and Cassi for brunch at FEZ in downtown Phoenix. I love that place. Then for Lacey's birthday present I took her shopping at Chandler Fashion Center. Good times!
After our little shopping spree I went on to swim practice and swam lots of freestyle distance (yuck!)
Finally I spent dinner with my friend and freelance boss Dave.
I spent Sunday Morning working with Dave as well and then had dinner with my family.
OMG! Not a spare moment. I didn't even get laundry done. Sheesh.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Game Night
I had another game night at my place on Friday.
It was a lot of fun. Gregg brought his Wii over and lots of us played that for the first time. I also bought Apples to Apples and lots of the people who came played that for hours.
Even though I invite lots of non-swim team people there was only one who wasn't a member, my neighbor Donna. Eric came for the first time, but I don't know if he enjoyed himself.
Eddie came even though he had surgery the day before.
Overall, great time...next one will be near the end of September.
It was a lot of fun. Gregg brought his Wii over and lots of us played that for the first time. I also bought Apples to Apples and lots of the people who came played that for hours.
Even though I invite lots of non-swim team people there was only one who wasn't a member, my neighbor Donna. Eric came for the first time, but I don't know if he enjoyed himself.
Eddie came even though he had surgery the day before.
Overall, great time...next one will be near the end of September.
Friday, August 10, 2007
It Doesn't Matter
It doesn't matter how many times
I'm right and you're wrong
It doesn't matter if I link the rhyms
You can't remember the song.
You manage to maintain your stance
No matter how shaky the ground
In your mind there is no chance
An err in your logic could be found.
You keep your confidence intact
While you're wrong again and again
You're a lie in the form of an act
Yet a positive light you will to spin.
You will contradict me
While you have no facts
I can't make you see
It's like herding cats.
I know what's what
Will you lend an ear?
We're both in a rut
The end is here.
I'm right and you're wrong
It doesn't matter if I link the rhyms
You can't remember the song.
You manage to maintain your stance
No matter how shaky the ground
In your mind there is no chance
An err in your logic could be found.
You keep your confidence intact
While you're wrong again and again
You're a lie in the form of an act
Yet a positive light you will to spin.
You will contradict me
While you have no facts
I can't make you see
It's like herding cats.
I know what's what
Will you lend an ear?
We're both in a rut
The end is here.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
BS West
I went to BS West in Old Town Scottsdale last night and guess who I saw? Yep, Mr. Psycho-Ex himself. It had been such a long time since I'd seen him I had almost thought that he'd moved away.It appears that he's learned his lesson though, I didn't see him after the initial sighting.
Rich from the swim team showed up as well, we had a good time. They played almost all of my recent favorites: Umbrella, Faster Kill Pussycat, and Shut Up and Drive.
It was fun, but I had a hard time dancing...I felt self-conscience. Just before I left for BS, I looked in the mirror and I thought I looked just like Napoleon Dynamite. Grrrr. It affected me so much that I had a dream I came into work in my underwear (those kind of dreams are usually a metaphor specifically pointing to insecurities about one's appearance). I think it's been over 10 years since I've had one of those...it was awful.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Personality Test: "The Color Code"
Don't ask me why, but I love taking personality tests and silly Q&As. Today I took a personality test from www.thecolorcode.com/ and it said:
You are BLUE.
BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY. They seek to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers, and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give themselves freely in order to nurture others' lives.
BLUES have distinct preferences and have the most controlling personality. Their personal code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy meaningful moments in conversation as well as paying close attention to special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries). BLUES are dependable, thoughtful, and analytical; but can also be self-righteous, worry-prone, and moody. They are "sainted pit-bulls" who never let go of something or someone, once they are committed. When you deal with a BLUE, be sincere and make a genuine effort to understand and appreciate them.
Understand that no two BLUES are exactly alike. Although you share the same core motivation as many others, your personality is still unique to you alone.
Click here to learn more about the other colors
You are BLUE.
BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY. They seek to genuinely connect with others, and need to be understood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers, and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give themselves freely in order to nurture others' lives.
BLUES have distinct preferences and have the most controlling personality. Their personal code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy meaningful moments in conversation as well as paying close attention to special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries). BLUES are dependable, thoughtful, and analytical; but can also be self-righteous, worry-prone, and moody. They are "sainted pit-bulls" who never let go of something or someone, once they are committed. When you deal with a BLUE, be sincere and make a genuine effort to understand and appreciate them.
Understand that no two BLUES are exactly alike. Although you share the same core motivation as many others, your personality is still unique to you alone.
Click here to learn more about the other colors
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
TMI
1. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about? It doesn't matter. Over, under...who really cares as long as there's paper there?
2. Toilet when you are done: everything up, seat down but lid up, everything down? Seat down, lid up.
3. When was the last time you kissed someone not your significant other? [I am talking about a kiss with some gusto not just a little hello or goodbye peck]. Just this last Saturday.
4. Would you rather have a significant other (this can be a hypothetical SO) have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.] I'd rather have a significant other.
5. If you had $1,000,000 to give away, how would you divide it up? Who and how much? I'd give it all to my family so that they could pay off their house and not have to worry about money so much.
Bonus (as in optional): Tell us something that very few people know about you. I hate the number 13, it almost scares me.
2. Toilet when you are done: everything up, seat down but lid up, everything down? Seat down, lid up.
3. When was the last time you kissed someone not your significant other? [I am talking about a kiss with some gusto not just a little hello or goodbye peck]. Just this last Saturday.
4. Would you rather have a significant other (this can be a hypothetical SO) have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.] I'd rather have a significant other.
5. If you had $1,000,000 to give away, how would you divide it up? Who and how much? I'd give it all to my family so that they could pay off their house and not have to worry about money so much.
Bonus (as in optional): Tell us something that very few people know about you. I hate the number 13, it almost scares me.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Arizona State Masters Championships
Just a quick update...I placed first in all my events (50, 100, 200 Fly; 50, 100 Breast; 50 Free; 200 and 400 IM) for my age group. Also I received a high-point award.
The meet was a lot of fun with a number of my teammates there. We had a really good time.
The meet was a lot of fun with a number of my teammates there. We had a really good time.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Cardiologist Update
Looks like it's anxiety. I'm going in for some more tests, but everything seems to point towards that.Cardiologist recommended I start taking Fish Oil supplements and include tuna in my diet. So it's off to Trader Joe's after work.
All in my head?
Ok, so this past Monday I spent some time in the ER, but appears I'm fine.I called my doctor's office Monday morning about shortness of breathe, chest pain, and numbness. They advised me to go to the emergency room, so I did. I seriously doubted that I was having a heart attack even though my symptoms resembled one.
I've had a pretty consistent history of anxiety and anxiety attacks, but I didn't feel like that's what this was.
After about 6 hours of tests and drawing blood the ER doctor prescribed a nebulizer, MethyIPREDNIsolone, and Xanex. So in other words, the ER doc was pretty sure I was suffering from an Asthma attack or anxiety.
Two days later I have a follow-up visit with my usual doctor and he's convinced that my issues are stemming from anxiety. So, apparently it's all in my head and I just need to chill.
Well today I have a cardiologist appointment to make absolute sure that my heart isn't the problem (my doc is pretty sure it isn't, but we have to leave no stone unturned right?). If he gives the thumbs up I'm free to compete in my meet this weekend and all my simptoms are just in my head. I'll give an update on that later.
Well I guess I should look on the bright side, if my mind is capable of this, imagine what else I can do. LOL.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
"Good Morning Baltimore"
I saw the musical "Hairspray" on Sunday evening and it was GREAT! I totally recommend it. Funny, witty and insightful. I grinned from ear to ear the whole movie.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Before I...
I feel the passage of time each day
And with every breathe life's slipping away
I struggle to take the air in deep
And wonder at night if I'll pass beyond sleep.
Pushing through the crowd as it pushes me
Where's left to look? Where can you be?
So many faces, my vision blurs
Will I find you while my soul still sturs?
When I find you will I know your face?
Or will you be a stranger in a foreign place?
Are you searching as I am now?
Or are you lost and don't know how?
I don't want to die before you're there,
Gazing at me with that loving stare.
Sharing the life we knew we would
And by each other understood.
Would it matter if I died today?
Lonely on our course to stay?
No, life does not wait for anyone
Not even for those who walk alone.
And with every breathe life's slipping away
I struggle to take the air in deep
And wonder at night if I'll pass beyond sleep.
Pushing through the crowd as it pushes me
Where's left to look? Where can you be?
So many faces, my vision blurs
Will I find you while my soul still sturs?
When I find you will I know your face?
Or will you be a stranger in a foreign place?
Are you searching as I am now?
Or are you lost and don't know how?
I don't want to die before you're there,
Gazing at me with that loving stare.
Sharing the life we knew we would
And by each other understood.
Would it matter if I died today?
Lonely on our course to stay?
No, life does not wait for anyone
Not even for those who walk alone.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Rolling Stone
As each stone roles through the water
And the shape is smoothed and formed;
The exterior does certainly alter,
But the core is not reformed.
As we travel the course ahead
From beginning until we are dead
Others may think we have changed
But the core has always remained.
And the shape is smoothed and formed;
The exterior does certainly alter,
But the core is not reformed.
As we travel the course ahead
From beginning until we are dead
Others may think we have changed
But the core has always remained.
TMI
1. What's the sexiest type of underwear? A pair of snuggly fitting Unico boxer briefs
2. Would you/have you ever paid money for sex? Nope.
3. Is facial/body hair sexy or no? (Moustache, chest, etc. for men, and underarms/legs for women.) Or do you frankly not care? It can be on the right person. Personally it's not huge deal to me until it starts migrating from the head to the back.
4. What is the strangest thing you've ever seen featured in pornography? Double-anal penetration; it wasn't so much strange as incredibly frightening!
5. What's worse, not enough sex or too much? Is there such a thing as "too much"? TOO MUCH! There is such thing as too much, but all of us have very different thresholds of tolerance.
2. Would you/have you ever paid money for sex? Nope.
3. Is facial/body hair sexy or no? (Moustache, chest, etc. for men, and underarms/legs for women.) Or do you frankly not care? It can be on the right person. Personally it's not huge deal to me until it starts migrating from the head to the back.
4. What is the strangest thing you've ever seen featured in pornography? Double-anal penetration; it wasn't so much strange as incredibly frightening!
5. What's worse, not enough sex or too much? Is there such a thing as "too much"? TOO MUCH! There is such thing as too much, but all of us have very different thresholds of tolerance.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Internal Struggle
This may be pathetic and narcissistic, but the main reason I started swimming again was to lose weight and get in shape for Hawaii. The Hawaii trip is over, what now?
I'm still swimming and even competing, but something is lacking: a goal, something to shoot for.
What about improving my times? That would seem like a reasonable way to keep motivated, but seeing my times after races is one of the most discouraging things. I remember many of my personal bests from high school and to be perfectly frank, I'm a f***in' turtle in comparison. Why not just focus on improving my recent times? I'm afraid asking me to pretend like my early career didn't happen just isn't me.
What about pure competition? Well the competition is so scattered and inconsistent, there is no way of telling if I'm going to meet up with a weak or intense field. So relying on that to bolster my motivation is unhealthy at best.
What about doing things for the team? The only real connection I feel with my team is our sexuality. We're gay and we happen to have met during a swim practice; I don't feel akin to my teammates through swimming.
The worst part of my devolving level of motivation is the patience I have for my teammates. The little things that I used to not let bother me before my trip really get on my nerves now. Silly things like getting annoyed when someone leaves 2 seconds behind me rather than 5; when they don't know how to be passed; when they go the same pace on the main set as a recovery set; when they say they should go second because they're out of shape and draft off your wake the whole way.
Can you tell I'm annoyed? LOL. It's becoming a serious problem. What should I do? Should I take a break? Should I switch teams? Should I cut back on practices? What?
This is just what's on my mind right now. I'm sure things will work out, just like everything does.
I'm still swimming and even competing, but something is lacking: a goal, something to shoot for.
What about improving my times? That would seem like a reasonable way to keep motivated, but seeing my times after races is one of the most discouraging things. I remember many of my personal bests from high school and to be perfectly frank, I'm a f***in' turtle in comparison. Why not just focus on improving my recent times? I'm afraid asking me to pretend like my early career didn't happen just isn't me.
What about pure competition? Well the competition is so scattered and inconsistent, there is no way of telling if I'm going to meet up with a weak or intense field. So relying on that to bolster my motivation is unhealthy at best.
What about doing things for the team? The only real connection I feel with my team is our sexuality. We're gay and we happen to have met during a swim practice; I don't feel akin to my teammates through swimming.
The worst part of my devolving level of motivation is the patience I have for my teammates. The little things that I used to not let bother me before my trip really get on my nerves now. Silly things like getting annoyed when someone leaves 2 seconds behind me rather than 5; when they don't know how to be passed; when they go the same pace on the main set as a recovery set; when they say they should go second because they're out of shape and draft off your wake the whole way.
Can you tell I'm annoyed? LOL. It's becoming a serious problem. What should I do? Should I take a break? Should I switch teams? Should I cut back on practices? What?
This is just what's on my mind right now. I'm sure things will work out, just like everything does.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Fast Times in the Cool Pines
Yesterday I participated in my second meet since I joined the Sunfish. This time I was the only person representing my team; I thought it would be awkward and uncomfortable having a team area of one, but to my pleasant surprise it was an extremely enjoyable competition!
The weather in Flagstaff was beautiful: partly cloudly and in the low 80s
I won 3 out of the 5 events I swam...
50 FL : 0:29.14 : First
100 BR : 1:22.05 : Second
100 FL : 1:08.00 : First
200 IM : 2:40.58 : First
50 BR : 0:36.29 : Second
Some National Breaststroke Champion was participating and easily took me in both breaststrokes; I'm definately not a national caliber swimmer.
One thing is for sure, I have no endurance. I really need to work on that.
The weather in Flagstaff was beautiful: partly cloudly and in the low 80s
I won 3 out of the 5 events I swam...
50 FL : 0:29.14 : First
100 BR : 1:22.05 : Second
100 FL : 1:08.00 : First
200 IM : 2:40.58 : First
50 BR : 0:36.29 : Second
Some National Breaststroke Champion was participating and easily took me in both breaststrokes; I'm definately not a national caliber swimmer.
One thing is for sure, I have no endurance. I really need to work on that.
Friday, July 13, 2007
For all you zodiac fanatics!
Libra is the only zodiac symbol that's neither animal nor human -- but surely that doesn't make you any less human. In fact, Libra is among the most sociable of the signs. As scales of old were really "balances," so to do you seek balance in all that Libra does. You respond to situations with grace as Libra attempts to put others at ease. Artistically, Libra tries to balance form, content, colors and elements, and for this reason can be drawn toward creative endeavors.
The greatest balancing act is between self and others, and it is here that many Libras focus their energy. Here, in the realm of interpersonal relationships, you are a champion. Libra know how to be the charming host or hostess. Libra can sense what others want before they ask for it. And you can make the needs of others a higher priority than your own. In fact, Libra is the shuttle diplomats of the zodiac, going back and forth between the extremes until a solution is negotiated.
The Libra motto might be "To every action there is an opposite and equal reaction." It is your innate sense of cause and effect that makes you so effective as a strategist. Whether it's playing chess, relationship counseling or civic planning, you know how to be effective while staying in the middle of the road. Your easygoing attitude can serve you and others well, but don't forget that your needs cannot go totally unfulfilled or you won't have anything to give to others.
Element: Air
The astrological element of air represents movement. And the most efficient movement between two points is often a thought. Air signs are thinkers. They emphasize the intellect over other functions. With active minds and a good command of language, the air signs are the natural born communicators. They can be light and breezy as the breath of spring, but their words can also carry the power of a gale force wind.
The air of Libra is about equilibrium. Even the atmosphere needs to rest, so here, we seek ways to give our thoughts temporary respite from their never-ending movement.
Seventh House: Partners
If the First House represents the self, the Seventh House opposite it, represents the other. This can be a business partner, a spouse or any other type of relationship amongst equals. Most often, this is where we look to see how you relate to others in your life.
Key Planet: Venus
Venus is the planet of love and desire. She is in charge of romance and beauty. But Venus isn't only about physical love; she's also symbolic of the ideal love. When we see a beautiful painting or other work or art, Venus is present. She is the beauty of a rose as much as she is the attraction we have to someone we love. As the key planet of Libra, Venus is about the perception of beauty as an ideal. Here, she is the proper blend of colors, the right mix of music or the perfect poetic description of love, itself.
Libra Greatest Strength: Your grace and charm when helping others
Libra Possible Weakness: Forgetting to take care of your own needs
denotes statements that apply to me especially
Thursday, July 12, 2007
TMI
1. Describe your first kiss. I was 22 when I had my first kiss. It was surprisingly easy and fun. My partner complimented me on my ability (which was quite flattering).
2. Should a person's pubic hair be trimmed, shaved, or just grown out as the jungle God intended it to be? So long as I can easily find what I want, jungles are fine.
3. What's the best super-hero comic book movie ever made?
X-Men! Hands down!
4. Coke or Pepsi? COKE!
5. Have you ever been caught masturbating? Yes, but only by a partner (who was upset because he felt left out)
6. Which way do you lean your head when going for a kiss? Right
7. Jockstraps, sexy or no? Not sexy.
2. Should a person's pubic hair be trimmed, shaved, or just grown out as the jungle God intended it to be? So long as I can easily find what I want, jungles are fine.
3. What's the best super-hero comic book movie ever made?
X-Men! Hands down!
4. Coke or Pepsi? COKE!
5. Have you ever been caught masturbating? Yes, but only by a partner (who was upset because he felt left out)
6. Which way do you lean your head when going for a kiss? Right
7. Jockstraps, sexy or no? Not sexy.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tenderly Asphyxiated
You were the garden serpent
Your words seemed kind and fervent
Yet no sooner did I enter
Did my nightmare start to render
Though some hope may have remained
My trust in you had waned.
Rules replaced the trust
And you bound me to your lust
From the start I did predict:
You would coil and constrict.
All your focus on me concentrated;
I was tenderly asphyxiated.
And the tighter you did squeeze
Did little more than ease
Any remorse I might have felt
When the final blow I dealt.
Your words seemed kind and fervent
Yet no sooner did I enter
Did my nightmare start to render
Though some hope may have remained
My trust in you had waned.
Rules replaced the trust
And you bound me to your lust
From the start I did predict:
You would coil and constrict.
All your focus on me concentrated;
I was tenderly asphyxiated.
And the tighter you did squeeze
Did little more than ease
Any remorse I might have felt
When the final blow I dealt.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
I stayed up for the initial showing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix which started showing previews at 12:01am.
All of the young characters have significantly matured physically and mentally since the last film; the cast showing a range of complex emotions including sadness, but without tears. I personally was impressed with the actors' ability to deliver. The music, as always, was excellent!
However, the movie was littered with slow plot points. At 12:01am in the morning, I need a movie to be almost constantly interlaced with action.
Overall, I liked the movie even though I found the ending less than satisfying.
All of the young characters have significantly matured physically and mentally since the last film; the cast showing a range of complex emotions including sadness, but without tears. I personally was impressed with the actors' ability to deliver. The music, as always, was excellent!
However, the movie was littered with slow plot points. At 12:01am in the morning, I need a movie to be almost constantly interlaced with action.
Overall, I liked the movie even though I found the ending less than satisfying.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Canvas
My consciousness is a canvas
Chaotically splashed with your colors
I'm a single page of an atlas
Focused on the place that is solely yours
My thoughts are a grid of rational roads
Yet they all lead to the single point of you.
My emotions, a stream of legible codes
But the message does not ever get through.
My torment is a fly on your face;
Ignored like so many other things
My light dives into dark's embrace
Shedding its hope and strong bright wings.
Chaotically splashed with your colors
I'm a single page of an atlas
Focused on the place that is solely yours
My thoughts are a grid of rational roads
Yet they all lead to the single point of you.
My emotions, a stream of legible codes
But the message does not ever get through.
My torment is a fly on your face;
Ignored like so many other things
My light dives into dark's embrace
Shedding its hope and strong bright wings.
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Game Night
I had a game night at my place tonight. We played video games (Halo 2 and Fusion Frenzy 2) and card games (Uno). It was alot of fun. It was mostly people I knew from swim team. The best thing was that no one noticed my sunburn; super happy about that!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Big Mistake!
My skin is seared! Let's just say, when I went tanning yesterday and the person behind the counter talked me into upgrading to a better bed for the day. BIG MISTAKE. I am totally burned! I'm so mad, I had such a beautiful glow and now I'm gonna peal!
This is the second snag for my vacation; the first being the week I was sick. I'm bracing myself for number 3 because we all know that bad things happen in 3's.
This is the second snag for my vacation; the first being the week I was sick. I'm bracing myself for number 3 because we all know that bad things happen in 3's.Thursday, June 28, 2007
Quote of the YEAR
"The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities."
~Lord Acton
~Lord Acton
Surprise Phone Call
Ok, so I'm barely home from work and I get a call from a local number I don't recognize. This is a brand new phone number so I assume it's a mistake and let it go to voicemail.
Jesse, a cousin of mine, who I haven't seen in over 2 years is trying to get a hold of me. I call him back up and we go to Macaroni Grille for dinner.
Keep in mind, I'm not out to anyone on his side beyond my immediate family. We spent some time catching up and it came time. Now I confess, it has gotten much easier to talk to people about my sexuality, but from some reason the family element makes the whole situation harder.
I did come out to Jesse and he was very understanding and non-judgemental.
It is very refreshing to know that even with an extremely Mormon background someone can be open minded and accepting.
Jesse, a cousin of mine, who I haven't seen in over 2 years is trying to get a hold of me. I call him back up and we go to Macaroni Grille for dinner.
Keep in mind, I'm not out to anyone on his side beyond my immediate family. We spent some time catching up and it came time. Now I confess, it has gotten much easier to talk to people about my sexuality, but from some reason the family element makes the whole situation harder.
I did come out to Jesse and he was very understanding and non-judgemental.
It is very refreshing to know that even with an extremely Mormon background someone can be open minded and accepting.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Rate My Blog
Why the rating? Use of words like: gay, lesbian, hell, etc."Just remember what the MPAA says: Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!" ~ South Park - The Movie
The last 3 posts get a G rating
The last 10 posts get a PG rating
The last 20 posts get NC-17
I guess I've gotten more audience friendly recently.
Anticipating Problems
Ok, it's officially prepare-for-worst-hope-for-best time.
According to the local news, The next two weeks are going to be some of the worst for travelers...Overbooked flights, airline software glitches, crowds, security, etc.
"Expect Heavy Delays"
I'm going to cross my fingers and hope things go as smoothly as possible, but at the same time I'm gonna pack light and bring plenty of stuff to entertain me while I wait and wait and wait some more.
Wish me luck!
According to the local news, The next two weeks are going to be some of the worst for travelers...Overbooked flights, airline software glitches, crowds, security, etc.
"Expect Heavy Delays"
I'm going to cross my fingers and hope things go as smoothly as possible, but at the same time I'm gonna pack light and bring plenty of stuff to entertain me while I wait and wait and wait some more.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Personal Record: Most Expensive Salon Experience
Hair Cut: $25
Color Weave: $65
Eyebrow Wax: $20
Tip: $30
Multiple complements on new look: Priceless :-)
Color Weave: $65
Eyebrow Wax: $20
Tip: $30
Multiple complements on new look: Priceless :-)
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Feeling Better
Ok, so this weekend I finally started to feel better and I feel almost completely myself this morning.
Since I was feeling better I went to my swim team's movie night at Chris'.
First we watched Grease, which was an interesting experience in a room full of homosexuals; it was just one big sing-a-long.
Then we watch a movie I'd never heard of, Can't Stop the Music. OMG! It was awful! The gayest movie in the worst way! It featured the Village People. Super gay! It was too much.
Since I was feeling better I went to my swim team's movie night at Chris'.
First we watched Grease, which was an interesting experience in a room full of homosexuals; it was just one big sing-a-long.
Then we watch a movie I'd never heard of, Can't Stop the Music. OMG! It was awful! The gayest movie in the worst way! It featured the Village People. Super gay! It was too much.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Random QandA
I found this on one of my friend's blogs...thought it was interesting...here are my answers...
1. If you were to face the Wizard of Oz, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? More courage. With enough courage we could all use our hearts and minds to their full potential.
2. Have you ever gone to court for anything? What for? Once, and hopefully never again. I went there to establish a restraining order against my first boyfriend.
3. What was the last thing you did that you previously told yourself you wouldn't do? Oh dear, I really don't want to answer this one...get involved with someone on my swim team.
4. Did you ever have a summer fling while on vacation? No, but it's not too late...going to Hawaii soon. ;-)
5. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone who's name you never knew? Unfortunately yes. Being so impersonal really isn't my style...don't know why I did it.
Bonus (as in optional): What is the best way to mend a broken heart? Unfortunately for me and my heart...it's all about time. Time helps me forget the pain. It doesn't matter how much I bitch, moan, hate or contemplate...it just takes time and usually a lot of it, years.
1. If you were to face the Wizard of Oz, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? More courage. With enough courage we could all use our hearts and minds to their full potential.
2. Have you ever gone to court for anything? What for? Once, and hopefully never again. I went there to establish a restraining order against my first boyfriend.
3. What was the last thing you did that you previously told yourself you wouldn't do? Oh dear, I really don't want to answer this one...get involved with someone on my swim team.
4. Did you ever have a summer fling while on vacation? No, but it's not too late...going to Hawaii soon. ;-)
5. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone who's name you never knew? Unfortunately yes. Being so impersonal really isn't my style...don't know why I did it.
Bonus (as in optional): What is the best way to mend a broken heart? Unfortunately for me and my heart...it's all about time. Time helps me forget the pain. It doesn't matter how much I bitch, moan, hate or contemplate...it just takes time and usually a lot of it, years.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Different Views
I saw you there atop a distant hill
I heard your voice through the calm and still
Your words sounded so honest and sure
I was curious, approached premature.
And as I drew near, the more it waned;
The calm, the clarity, it all was maimed.
It became clear, the closer I came
That I was never really your aim.
I heard your voice through the calm and still
Your words sounded so honest and sure
I was curious, approached premature.
And as I drew near, the more it waned;
The calm, the clarity, it all was maimed.
It became clear, the closer I came
That I was never really your aim.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Deja Vu
I've had an unpleasant sort of Deja Vu this week. I guess it isn't so much Deja Vu as it is a relapse of old habits.
I had my first meet in 8 years last weekend. So I over prepared and kept myself real busy to the point where I forget to eat...then not eat enough...then end up feeling weak for my events. That part is definately familiar; however, the second part is just as familiar albeit worse. After my temporary eating disorder has kicked in, I usually get sick.
Yep, I feel 17 all over again. The nausea, the aches, the weak feeling in my bones...all too familiar!
I had my first meet in 8 years last weekend. So I over prepared and kept myself real busy to the point where I forget to eat...then not eat enough...then end up feeling weak for my events. That part is definately familiar; however, the second part is just as familiar albeit worse. After my temporary eating disorder has kicked in, I usually get sick.
Yep, I feel 17 all over again. The nausea, the aches, the weak feeling in my bones...all too familiar!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Tucson Brute Squad Meet
The Brute Squad Meet, my first swimming competition in 8 years. If you swam the 200 Fly, 400IM and 1500 Free you got a towel to commemorate the experience.
I placed well, but I wasn't very happy with my times, I think I need to eat more. :)
1st place in the 200 Fly and 400IM, but I think I got fourth in the 1500 Free.
A special thanks to Eddie from the Sunfish who came down to support and swim with me.
I placed well, but I wasn't very happy with my times, I think I need to eat more. :)
1st place in the 200 Fly and 400IM, but I think I got fourth in the 1500 Free.
A special thanks to Eddie from the Sunfish who came down to support and swim with me.
Friday, June 15, 2007
"New" Dating Pool
Ok, here's the short of it: Dating has returned to the picture and it certainly hasn't grown easier since the last time. The biggest change though is the type of men that seem to be around me, older guys.I've always been attracted to older men, but I've never dated one. My first boyfriend was 9 months older than me, but that hardly counts. Now there seems to be a plethora of attractive men anywhere from 5 - 20 years older than me. So I'm kind of giddy and apprehensive at the same time. Notwithstanding I've never lived on the older man block, I've been around it a few times and I have a number of concerns...
- Men in general seldom change, and I consistently hear that it only gets worse with age. So anything I don't like about an older guy I had just better accept or hit the road.
- Lots of older men seem to like younger guys; that's fine now, but what happens when I'm no longer young? Do I become dross to be cast aside?
- Physiological deterioration is another concern. Are they going to be able to get it up and get "there" in a reasonable amount of time? As men get older they seem to be less and less receptive to stimuli.
- With some of these guys there is a real generation gap. They grew up in a very different world and time. They coped with and know about things that are completely foreign to me. At the same time, they are unfamiliar with my experiences and challenges making the process of finding commonality just that much harder.
- The ones that seem worth dating have a really good idea of what they want. This is great except when you don't measure up. They're experienced enough in the game to know that if they're patient something they want will come along.
In other words, it's the same game with new twists, and so far I don't seem to be up to the challenge. The possible moves and rules are all different and more complex.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Fight for Freedom
I remember being taught in grade school that when our country won the Revolutionary War we won our freedom, but the issue is far more complicated than that.
We are still waging the war of freedom. No matter who or where we are, we all play a role in this epic conflict. The victory that the original American colonies won against the British was important terrain on the path of freedom, but it only makes up a portion of the journey.
As a gay person, I feel my rights and freedoms frequently under attack. There's gay marriage, and then there isn't; civil unions one day, annulment the next. Our nation has been teetering back and forth on this issue for years now.
When this issue is stripped down to its core, what I usually find is widely accepted inequality based on holy sanction. In other words, god sanctions straight people's feelings therefore mine are invalid.
I know that many people's god doesn't validate my feelings, but my heart doesn't seem to care. My heart breaks just as much as anyone's. Love affects me in the same way as well, with all the irrational silliness that's been in poetry, books, stories, plays and movies since before recorded history.
Just like the oppressive monarchy we strove so diligently to separate ourselves from, we feel comfortable with imposing inequality on others because god said so.
Why was the king, king? Because god put him there.
Why did we leave the king's rule? Because religious freedom is important to us.
Why do straight people get more rights than gay people? Because god said so.
Why should gay and straight be equal? Because religious freedom is important to us!
We are still waging the war of freedom. No matter who or where we are, we all play a role in this epic conflict. The victory that the original American colonies won against the British was important terrain on the path of freedom, but it only makes up a portion of the journey.
As a gay person, I feel my rights and freedoms frequently under attack. There's gay marriage, and then there isn't; civil unions one day, annulment the next. Our nation has been teetering back and forth on this issue for years now.
When this issue is stripped down to its core, what I usually find is widely accepted inequality based on holy sanction. In other words, god sanctions straight people's feelings therefore mine are invalid.
I know that many people's god doesn't validate my feelings, but my heart doesn't seem to care. My heart breaks just as much as anyone's. Love affects me in the same way as well, with all the irrational silliness that's been in poetry, books, stories, plays and movies since before recorded history.
Just like the oppressive monarchy we strove so diligently to separate ourselves from, we feel comfortable with imposing inequality on others because god said so.
Why was the king, king? Because god put him there.
Why did we leave the king's rule? Because religious freedom is important to us.
Why do straight people get more rights than gay people? Because god said so.
Why should gay and straight be equal? Because religious freedom is important to us!
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Phoenix Sunfish
Since this last April I've been a part of the gay and lesbian masters swim team, Phoenix Sunfish. At first I was just going to get in shape for my next trip to Hawaii, but it has become so much more than a workout.When I finished swimming in high school I had a really bad taste in my mouth over all the drama and petty swimmers. There were few people on my team whom I could tolerate and even fewer I cared for. Being a gay-Mormon in denyal on a swim team of crude nearly naked athletes didn't sit very well (I know, mostly my fault). By the end of 1999 I didn't think I'd ever compete again.
For a month or so after I joined the Sunfish I still didn't intend to participate in meets, but all that has changed. Making friends with the people on the team has been a great experience so far. On top of being swimmers we are also a part of the same community.
This weekend will be my first swimming competition in 8 years. Crazy! I'm so nervous and excited! To ease my jitters I splerged and got a suite at the Holiday Inn near the pool. Meet results will be posted next week.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
The only one you can depend on...
Equality is very important to me. I never want to commit to anything that I think I might not be able to deliver on; however, the world around me seems to view this principle very differently.
Take my last post for example. So many empty promises.
My first boyfriend really didn't make much of an attempt at equality at all. Our relationship was littered with double standards. He stayed out late with friends by himself, but I was rarely allowed to even visit my family.
The most recent boyfriend was perfectly ok with me taking on all the responsibilities while he continued to be a petulant child. Despite the pressure I applied to encourage equality I felt more like a parent than a partner. He was just too comfortable depending on me because he knew I'd come through for him. Truth is, I do that for everyone I care about.
I just find it almost upsetting that the only people whom I can depend on are my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they're there for me, but what's the deal with everyone else? My parents believe that being gay is a choice and a sin, so even though they care the Elephant in the room is always present no matter how well we pretend it isn't there.
The underlying irony of this all is that now I don't let people position themselves to disappoint me as much. People aren't allowed to be as close as they once were. No more huge favors with expectations of return. Still, somehow those around me never fail to disappoint. Low expectations? Ha, there's no such thing! Any expectations at all equates to too much. Is it too much to ask that a person meet up to a small portion of reasonable expectations? Yes! From experience, I'd have to say it's way too much to ask!
So all this begs the question...should I ever expect anything in the first place? Probably not. I can't deny it though, it hurts deeply when I know if the situation were in reverse I'd receive nothing.
I guess the moral of the story is: Helping others makes you a good person, helping others and expecting anything in return makes you bitter.
Take my last post for example. So many empty promises.
My first boyfriend really didn't make much of an attempt at equality at all. Our relationship was littered with double standards. He stayed out late with friends by himself, but I was rarely allowed to even visit my family.
The most recent boyfriend was perfectly ok with me taking on all the responsibilities while he continued to be a petulant child. Despite the pressure I applied to encourage equality I felt more like a parent than a partner. He was just too comfortable depending on me because he knew I'd come through for him. Truth is, I do that for everyone I care about.
I just find it almost upsetting that the only people whom I can depend on are my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they're there for me, but what's the deal with everyone else? My parents believe that being gay is a choice and a sin, so even though they care the Elephant in the room is always present no matter how well we pretend it isn't there.
The underlying irony of this all is that now I don't let people position themselves to disappoint me as much. People aren't allowed to be as close as they once were. No more huge favors with expectations of return. Still, somehow those around me never fail to disappoint. Low expectations? Ha, there's no such thing! Any expectations at all equates to too much. Is it too much to ask that a person meet up to a small portion of reasonable expectations? Yes! From experience, I'd have to say it's way too much to ask!
So all this begs the question...should I ever expect anything in the first place? Probably not. I can't deny it though, it hurts deeply when I know if the situation were in reverse I'd receive nothing.
I guess the moral of the story is: Helping others makes you a good person, helping others and expecting anything in return makes you bitter.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
A little more emotion to add to the facts
Those of you who know anything about me, know what and who this is about...
Do you remember this day as well as I?
The day you made all your promises a lie?
Do you remember the bleeding heart
You used to keep us from being apart?
The kindness I paid you when I saw your pain
Forgetting my needs and with you remain
What happened to you when thunderstorm cleared?
I didn't know it was the calm that you feared!
You ignored me and dodged my calls
Four months passed and no word at all
Leaving me alone in limbo to dwell;
Assuming the worst, it felt like hell.
Without explanation you ended it all;
Leaving me solely to take the fall.
You've now moved on and I want to know
Why it was so easy to let me go?
"We'll always be friends," you'd often say.
It was simply lip-service you wanted to pay.
Does god accept liars in his home, you think?
Oh no! Deep into hell you will sink!
But at least in hell you'll be among friends
For traitors must make eternal amends.
Fair well to you my long lost friend
Karma will haunt you until the end.
Do you remember this day as well as I?
The day you made all your promises a lie?
Do you remember the bleeding heart
You used to keep us from being apart?
The kindness I paid you when I saw your pain
Forgetting my needs and with you remain
What happened to you when thunderstorm cleared?
I didn't know it was the calm that you feared!
You ignored me and dodged my calls
Four months passed and no word at all
Leaving me alone in limbo to dwell;
Assuming the worst, it felt like hell.
Without explanation you ended it all;
Leaving me solely to take the fall.
You've now moved on and I want to know
Why it was so easy to let me go?
"We'll always be friends," you'd often say.
It was simply lip-service you wanted to pay.
Does god accept liars in his home, you think?
Oh no! Deep into hell you will sink!
But at least in hell you'll be among friends
For traitors must make eternal amends.
Fair well to you my long lost friend
Karma will haunt you until the end.
Unpleasant Anniversary
Today is a rather unpleasant year mark for me.
It was a year ago today that my best friend ever decided to break things off permanently with me.
For years we had been thick as thieves, and we had helped each other through some really trying times. She was actually the first person I ever came out to. The only problem was that she was in love with me. Yes, we had your classic "Will & Grace" relationship.
Unfortunately, on more than one occasion she got into the middle of some pretty ugly and scary squabbles between me and my boyfriend at the time. At the peek of all the drama she helped me uphold a restraining order against said ex-boyfriend. I couldn't have done it without her.
Time and time again she made promises that ultimately she wouldn't keep. "Boyfriends may come and go, but I will always be there for you," she would state softly appearing to believe her own statement.
At the beginning of summer 2005 she moved to
Over the next 6 months she visited family, friends and me more than once. Then at one point I couldn't get a hold of her. I called about every two weeks for 3 months and then finally sent her this email:"I'm so worried about you. What happened to you? I've been trying to get a hold of you for months now. I almost always leave a message, but I don't get any type of return communiqué. I even tried to get a hold of your parents just to see if you were ok, but I wasn't able to find a phone number for them.
I refuse to believe you're that busy. I just want to know you're ok."
The next day I received this email from her:
"I am doing well. I have moved on with my life, and I do not want any more contact with you. Please respect my wishes."
It's probably silly to still be upset about this, but it was hard to try to move on without any sort of explanation.
Truth be told, I probably would have had a hard time regardless of the circumstances; I just don't understand why she needed to end it. Cool things off maybe, be just friends and not BEST friends. In any case, I have respected her wishes. I haven't made any attempt to contact her since I replied to her last email:
"Alright, that's all I need to know. Best wishes."
There is a particular irony behind this whole situation, her greatest fear is having people she loves leave her because she isn't worth it.
It's not a new thing for someone to fear something that they themselves are capable of.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
War? Success?
I have to admit, I'm a little confused by the rhetoric in congress and the white house.
First of all, I'm of the persuasion that believes success can never be achieved through war. After all nobody really wins a war; it's a lose-lose. People are killed on both sides, civil rights are trampled under and domestically needed funds are allocated to support the conflict.
Success and war shouldn't appear in the same sentence unless the phrase, "can never be achieved through" fills the gap between them.
So why do I hear so much about success in Iraq? Failure in Iraq is not an option?
Didn't we abdicate success when we pursued conflict over diplomacy? I'd say so.
Why are we in Iraq? The intelligence that lead us down that path has been falsified. Out efforts there are not working.
Even though I'm pleased with the direction of the new congress; however, there are too many still supporting the war to challenge the president's veto.
Let's stop waiting for the tide to change, pull out now!
First of all, I'm of the persuasion that believes success can never be achieved through war. After all nobody really wins a war; it's a lose-lose. People are killed on both sides, civil rights are trampled under and domestically needed funds are allocated to support the conflict.
Success and war shouldn't appear in the same sentence unless the phrase, "can never be achieved through" fills the gap between them.
So why do I hear so much about success in Iraq? Failure in Iraq is not an option?
Didn't we abdicate success when we pursued conflict over diplomacy? I'd say so.
Why are we in Iraq? The intelligence that lead us down that path has been falsified. Out efforts there are not working.
Even though I'm pleased with the direction of the new congress; however, there are too many still supporting the war to challenge the president's veto.
Let's stop waiting for the tide to change, pull out now!
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