Equality is very important to me. I never want to commit to anything that I think I might not be able to deliver on; however, the world around me seems to view this principle very differently.
Take my last post for example. So many empty promises.
My first boyfriend really didn't make much of an attempt at equality at all. Our relationship was littered with double standards. He stayed out late with friends by himself, but I was rarely allowed to even visit my family.
The most recent boyfriend was perfectly ok with me taking on all the responsibilities while he continued to be a petulant child. Despite the pressure I applied to encourage equality I felt more like a parent than a partner. He was just too comfortable depending on me because he knew I'd come through for him. Truth is, I do that for everyone I care about.
I just find it almost upsetting that the only people whom I can depend on are my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they're there for me, but what's the deal with everyone else? My parents believe that being gay is a choice and a sin, so even though they care the Elephant in the room is always present no matter how well we pretend it isn't there.
The underlying irony of this all is that now I don't let people position themselves to disappoint me as much. People aren't allowed to be as close as they once were. No more huge favors with expectations of return. Still, somehow those around me never fail to disappoint. Low expectations? Ha, there's no such thing! Any expectations at all equates to too much. Is it too much to ask that a person meet up to a small portion of reasonable expectations? Yes! From experience, I'd have to say it's way too much to ask!
So all this begs the question...should I ever expect anything in the first place? Probably not. I can't deny it though, it hurts deeply when I know if the situation were in reverse I'd receive nothing.
I guess the moral of the story is: Helping others makes you a good person, helping others and expecting anything in return makes you bitter.
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4 comments:
Jim, you're one of the few people I know that this doesn't apply to. I'm grateful for our friendship. You have never disappointed me.
Poodle....Poodle....Poodle.....
remember: Buddha says.....
expectations lead to disappointments.
alway try (( i say that because it is VERY difficult))to give and do without expectations.....
((HUGS))
I never disappoint ANYONE! They all expect fabulousnesss form me, and I ALWAYS deliver! Lucky for you I think you are fabulous too! And you NEVER disappoint me! BTW, Taryn is dying to hang out with you again! SO, you will have to join us for "ladies night" often!
Yes, Ms Thing! You always deliver fabulousness, you're probably in the same boat as me; other people never seem to hold up their end!
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