Unpleasant Anniversary

Today is a rather unpleasant year mark for me.

It was a year ago today that my best friend ever decided to break things off permanently with me.

For years we had been thick as thieves, and we had helped each other through some really trying times. She was actually the first person I ever came out to. The only problem was that she was in love with me. Yes, we had your classic "Will & Grace" relationship.

Unfortunately, on more than one occasion she got into the middle of some pretty ugly and scary squabbles between me and my boyfriend at the time. At the peek of all the drama she helped me uphold a restraining order against said ex-boyfriend. I couldn't have done it without her.

Time and time again she made promises that ultimately she wouldn't keep. "Boyfriends may come and go, but I will always be there for you," she would state softly appearing to believe her own statement.

At the beginning of summer 2005 she moved to Texas to accept a teaching position. Before she left, we spent countless hours together. I was really excited for her, but I knew I'd miss her.

Over the next 6 months she visited family, friends and me more than once. Then at one point I couldn't get a hold of her. I called about every two weeks for 3 months and then finally sent her this email:

"I'm so worried about you. What happened to you? I've been trying to get a hold of you for months now. I almost always leave a message, but I don't get any type of return communiqué. I even tried to get a hold of your parents just to see if you were ok, but I wasn't able to find a phone number for them.

I refuse to believe you're that busy. I just want to know you're ok."

The next day I received this email from her:

"I am doing well. I have moved on with my life, and I do not want any more contact with you. Please respect my wishes."

It's probably silly to still be upset about this, but it was hard to try to move on without any sort of explanation.

Truth be told, I probably would have had a hard time regardless of the circumstances; I just don't understand why she needed to end it. Cool things off maybe, be just friends and not BEST friends. In any case, I have respected her wishes. I haven't made any attempt to contact her since I replied to her last email:

"Alright, that's all I need to know. Best wishes."

There is a particular irony behind this whole situation, her greatest fear is having people she loves leave her because she isn't worth it.

It's not a new thing for someone to fear something that they themselves are capable of.