Trouble

I'm in so much trouble
Without you, my heart crumbles
Just one look and I tumble
My mouth utters mumbles

All words, I do fumble
One smile, my fear crumbles
Ready for a rumble
But my body trundles

Others, they make grumbles
Hoping we will stumble
But my love only doubles
Every time we cuddle

Dedicated to my lovely Lucia...

The light breaks through and warms my skin
The water calls me to tread within
Beneath my feet the sand shifts free
Moving slowly closer, closer to thee

The soft crash and mist I breath deep
The wave envelopes and hugs my feet
I close my eyes and venture further
The heat and chill fuel my fervor

The ebb and pull brings me down
Now off my feet, knees hit the groun'
The waves recess, brook no resistance
So I dive with no thought, no penance.

My breath sits light as the stillest feather
The surface recedes to grant me succor
The current wanes and pushes about me
And I give no struggle and bask in thee.

Repost: Songs for them

I've made additional changes to these lists since I reposted them in July '08 and August '09 (which was an update of the original post in August '07.) I'm now going to add the most applicable lyrics that apply to each person as appropriate.

Lucia

Stereo Hearts (feat. Adam Levine) - Gym Class Heroes

We Found Love - Rihanna

Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars

Vanilla Twilight - Owl City

I Know Why - Sheryl Crow

Why Don't You and I - Santana & Santana Featuring Chad Kroeger

Tu Compania - Keith Urban

R.T.

One and Only - Adele: "I dare you to let me be your, your one and only. Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms, so come on and give me a chance to prove that I'm the one who can walk that mile until the end starts."
I Want To Hold Your Hand - Beatles: "Oh please, say to me: 'You'll let me be your man,' and please say to me, 'You'll let me hold your hand.' I'll let me hold your hand. I wanna hold your hand"

Derek

Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson: "I don't like living under your spotlight, just because you think I might find somebody worthy. Oh, I don't like living under your spotlight. Maybe if you treat me right you won't have to worry. Is this relationship fulfilling your needs as well as mine? Or is this just my sentence? Am I doing time?
"If this is love, real, real love, then I'm staying, no doubt, but if I'm just love's prisoner then I'm busting out."

So Close - Jon McLaughlin
Choo Choo - Diane Birch: "Oh, my baby's got a talk so sweet.Every time the light gets weak; oh, the promises don't keep. Thought I was riding on the train to heaven, but I'm on the choo choo straight to hell. The devil's got my baby. Somebody help me please!"
Fading - Rihanna
Princess of China - Cold Play feat. Rihanna: "I could've been a princess, you'd be a king. Could've had a castle, and worn a ring, but no, you let me go."
I Don't Wanna Be In Love - Good Charlottle
Part of Me - Katy Perry: "You ripped me off, your love was cheap; was always tearing at the seams. I fell deep and you let me drown, but that was then and this is now. Now look at me!"

David G.

Bitch - Meredith Brooks: "I'm a sinner, I'm a saint. I do not feel ashamed. I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between. You know you wouldn't want it any other way."

Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson 

Jockey Joe

All I Really Want - Alanis Morissette: "And all I really want is some patience, a way to calm the angry voice. And all I really want is deliverance. Do I wear you out? You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out. I'm consumed by the chill of solitary. I'm like Estella, I like to reel it in and then spit it out. I'm frustrated by your apathy!"

Love Song - Sara Bareilles

Hot N Cold - Katy Perry

Knowing Me, Knowing You - ABBA

Bulletproof - La Roux

Why Did I Ever Like You - P!nk 

Dustin

Can't Behave - Courtney Jaye: "I got eyes in the back of my head. Your halo's turnin' red, foolin' around knockin' me off my cloud. They're talking about your mischievous ways. Boy it's painted all over your face. Stealin' a kiss mysterious whispers, a thorn in my pride; I'm still by your side but one day I'm walking away. The tide is gonna turn I'm gonna find my place. Give me a reason to stay. I want to be your lover baby, but you can't behave."
Torn - Natalie Imbruglia
Not the Doctor - Alanis Morrissette: "I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours. I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey hidden in the bottom drawer. I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine, lend me some fresh air. I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you. I don't want to be your babysitter, you're a very big boy now. I don't want to be your mother, I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months. Show me the back door!"
Tainted Love - Soft Cell
Through With Love - Destiny's Child
Good Girl Gone Bad - Rihanna
Side Effects - Mariah Carey
Could've Had Everything - P!nk
Hush Hush; Hush Hush - Pussycat Dolls
Since You've Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Fighter - Christina Aguilera
Too Little, Too Late - JoJo
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5
So What - P!nk
Give it to Me - Timbaland feat. Justin Timberlake: "Could you speak up and stop mu-mumbling, I don't think you came in clear. When you're sittin' on the top, it's hard to hear you from way up here. I saw you tryin' to act cute on TV, 'Just let me clear the air...' We missed you on the charts last week, damn, that's right you wasn't there. If se-sexy never left, then why's everybody on my shi-it-it. Don't hate on me just because you didn't come up with it. So if you see us in the club, go on and walk the other way. Cause our run will never be over, not at least until we say."
Gives You Hell - The All American Rejects

Anelalea

Always On Your Side - Sheryl Crow
Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
Say Goodbye - Ashlee Simpson
Perfect Lie - Sheryl Crow
She Hates Me - Puddle of Mudd
Thnks Fr Th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy
You Lied - Allister
How's It Going to Be - Third Eye Blind
Are You Happy Now? - Michelle Branch
What Goes Around...Comes Around - Justin Timberlake: "I'm just so sick about it. Can't believe it's ending this way. Just so confused about it, feeling the blues about it. Tell me is this fair? That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find: What goes around, goes around, goes around, comes all the way back around."
I'm Gonna Find Another You - John Mayer

Arnold

Sorry - Madonna
Tatoo - Jordin Sparks
S.O.S. - Jonas Brothers

*****

Impossible - Christina Aguilera
Mannequin - Katy Perry
Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik
My Favorite Mistake - Sheryl Crow

RH

Extraordinary - Liz Phair
Painter's Song - Norah Jones
Ooh Ooh Baby - Britney Spears

Meaning

There is a deep sort of torment
Bread into my mind
A form that was shaped by
The trial of time.

Each swish of a tail
And predator's fail
Lead me down to where I tread
An endless desire to survive instead.

The beat of a wing; the pound of a storm
The sound in my silence weaving thoughts forlorn.
The weight of peace, the emptiness of hate
Molded the consciousness before and late.

The search for meaning for meaning's sake
It's one thing that no one can really fake
Germinated thoughts, hopes and dreams
For me to decide what it really means

Karma

My defenses grow weak
Amid the continued attack
The peace I seek
Is obscured 'cause I lack
The will to resist
The urge to get back
All the justice witheld
And the Karma setback.

Silence

Your heart is the only stone
I've ever known to bleed
You don't want to be alone;
Control is what you need.

In your event horizon
All my hopes and dreams were caught
And the more I gave to you
The more you demanded, sought

No words brought resolution
No good deed enough proof
Until at last my lips were closed
And my soul became aloof.

Bristle at my resistance -
Shoot your poison dart!
While the percussion of my silence
Shakes your hollow heart.

Self-Appraisal

I was listening to NPR today, as I do at times, and I was struck by what most NPR listeners might consider just another piece from that excellent station.
The story outlined the efforts of a very young mother/blogger, Cassie Boorn, to solicit her mature female friends for advise in the form of "Letters to my 20-something self."
I looked Cassie's blog up and read some of the letters.
Although I failed to read all of them, I particularly liked Stephanie Smirnov's letter. She reitterated some life lessons that I, unfortunately, have had to learn over and over again: trust yourself, stop worring, don't obsess about pleasing others, etc.
Right now I have people in my life who think I need big changes. They think I need to be less independent, less insistant on separating groups of people in my life (family, friends, romantic relationships...), less strict with my affection...less strict in general.
I can't honestly say that I needed the re-affirmation that these letters provided, but it was comforting.

In contrast to the letters I'd like to send something to my future self so that I never forget the lessons I've learned

1. Embrace your independence, it has always been a significant source of happiness for you. People who don't like this fact about you aren't interested in your happiness.
2. Separating your friends, family and partners will likely continue to be necessary, but you've accepted this. This is your decision to make and others must respect it or they don't respect you.
3. Allow yourself to love, but no one is allowed to demand or expect it from you.
4. You are a strict person, that is who you are. If someone doesn't like that then they don't like you.
5. You don't need everyone to like you; most people will never like you anyway.
6. People don't change, not really. Don't allow anyone to change you to suit them better.

Mormon Corporate Advertising

I was checking my email and deleting spam when I saw the following advertisement:

That's right, the Mormon Church is advertising on Yahoo!

The ad is animated, fading in and out with these questions "What happens to my loved ones when they die?", "Should I fear death?", "Where do I go when I die?" superimposed over pictures of people with diverse ethnic backgrounds.

I have a few questions of my own...

1. Why the focus on death? My opinion: It appeals to the mysterious and unknown to invoke fear. One of the best ways to manipulate someone long term is to make them fearful. The second step is to convince that person that the church's ideas about death are the only way of escaping/defeating it.
2. Why is the Mormon Church advertising through this medium? My opinion: Churches are corporations; they maximize profits by reaching potential customers anyway they can. Here is a list of other corporations advertising with Yahoo! at the same time: LowerMyBills.com, Wealth Daily (Investment Company), Express (Clothing Company), Classmates (Social Networking Company), Chase (National Bank), NFIB (Small Business Lobbying Firm). If you compared the sales model of each of these corporations with the Mormon Church’s proselytizing program you'd find more parallels than differences. Probably the most glaring difference is that churches aren't subject to taxation.
3. Why the display of diversity? My opinion: In the US, the Mormon Church is overwhelmingly comprised of middle and upper middle class Caucasians. They want to appear more accepting to minority groups. However, this is going to be a hard sell to any non-Mormon who knows anything about the church's history: (1) Mormon's didn't allow Black men to hold positions of authority until 1978; (2) Women are still not permitted to hold authority; (3) the Mormon church does not support equal rights for women and (4) most recently, Mormon's political campaigns to take away and prevent equal rights for gays and lesbians.

Mission Call: 10 years since

Today marks the 10-year anniversary since I received my mission call to Hokkaido, Japan. My mission call was the first link in the chain of events over the next 2+ years that lead me down the road less traveled by...and that has made all the difference.

WoW Update

On August 27 of 2007, I started playing the MMORPG World of Warcraft. I'm still playing and have progress considerably since my last update

I now have 9 characters on the relm I created my first character, Kukuparuma.


Kukuparuma - Warrior - Level 40
Salyndria - Hunter - Level 61
Dabide - Mage - Level 46
Augustyne - Paladin - Level 13
Jacobenz - Priest - Level 80
Yokizuna - Shaman - Level 26
Vektrah - Death Knight - Level 60

The Gay Tax

This is an interesting article about the economic burdens of inequality.

In Response to Ignorance: Part X

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Both of you have mentioned the issue of compassion and this feeling about needing to be compassionate. Let’s fast-forward the scenario that we used earlier, and assume it’s a couple of years later. My conversations with my son, all our efforts to love our son and keep him in the Church have failed to address what he sees as the central issue — that he can’t help his feelings. He’s now told us that he’s moving out of the home. He plans to live with a gay friend. He’s adamant about it. What should be the proper response of a Latter-day Saint parent in that situation?
ELDER OAKS: It seems to me that a Latter-day Saint parent has a responsibility in love and gentleness to affirm the teaching of the Lord through His prophets that the course of action he is about to embark upon is sinful. While affirming our continued love for him, and affirming that the family continues to have its arms open to him, I think it would be well to review with him something like the following, which is a statement of the First Presidency in 1991: “The Lord’s law of moral conduct is abstinence outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between husband and wife, appropriately expressed within the bonds of marriage. Any other sexual conduct, including fornication, adultery, and homosexual and lesbian behavior is sinful. Those who persist in such practices or influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline.” [Jacob: You should expound on what you mean by "church discipline," it sounds harsh, like a threat. Since this rhetoric is so easily misinterpreted and because there is a growing number of people who share the opinion that Mormons hate homosexuals, it would be prudent to incorporate descriptions of loving actions rather than just the word "love."]
My first responsibility as a father is to make sure that he understands that, and then to say to him, “My son, if you choose to deliberately engage in this kind of behavior, you’re still my son. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is powerful enough to reach out and cleanse you if you are repentant and give up your sinful behavior, but I urge you not to embark on that path because repentance is not easy. You’re embarking on a course of action that will weaken you in your ability to repent. It will cloud your perceptions of what is important in life. Finally, it may drag you down so far that you can’t come back. Don’t go that way. But if you choose to go that way, we will always try to help you and get you back on the path of growth. [Jacob: You make the assumption that gay relationships are incapable of growth. This assumption is based on personal beliefs and religious dogma, not fact.]
ELDER WICKMAN: One way to read the Book of Mormon is as a book of encounters between fathers and sons. Some of those encounters were very positive and reinforcing on the part of the father of a son. Some were occasions where a father had to tell his son or his sons that the path that they were following was incorrect before the Lord. With all, it needs to be done in the spirit of love and welcoming that, as Elder Oaks mentioned, ‘You’re always my son.’ There’s an old maxim which is really true for every parent and that is, ‘You haven’t failed until you quit trying.’ I think that means both in terms of taking appropriate opportunities to teach one’s children the right way, but at all times making sure they know that over all things you’ll love them. [Jacob: This concept is simple enough to state, but do we care about how this will be received? The love your implying requires a parent to continually remind a child that they are on the wrong path, that their life is sinful...even if you believe this to be true, do you honestly think that is an environment to sustain an atmosphere of love? Your method does not work well in practice.]

In the Name of Love

It's common to think
As we go through the year
About the meaning of love
And those we hold dear

Each person is unique
In their expression of love
Convinced that they're clear
In conveying thereof.

Some are content
To use verbal fluff
But quickly find
Words are not enough.

Some try to show
With actions alone
Yet without words
Intentions, unknown

Some are foolish,
Verbalize no hate
Actions however,
Often berate

In the name of love
many do toil
But their actions are hate
Deceive and embroil

How does it look
At the end of the day,
When words mean this
But your actions that say?

Proponents of Prop 8 on Google Maps

This is a geographical list of Prop 8 Support donors. Prop. 8 is an amendment to the California State Constitution which bans same-sex marriage.

Fair? Petty?

There are a lot of emotions surrounding the idea of marriage. Honestly, I've never planned to enter into any type of union, but that's not the point. Being a typical libra I'm uncomfortable with inequality.

I brought my boyfriend to my parents house once after I came out (2004) and was politely asked to no do it again...and I've respected their wishes. I actually don't ever expect any partner I have (no matter how long we've been together) to be accepted in my parent's home.

My sister eloped with a non-Mormon in Hawaii and although emotions were strained with my family for a time they all attended their commitment ceremony in Hawaii. Also, her husband would not be excluded from family events based on their relationship.

Is it just me, or does that sound like a double standard?

Me, playing the part of myself, I think about the future and potential scenarios...

I have 4 unmarried siblings, how should I respond (or not respond) to invitations to their legally, socially and religiously endorced unions?

Should I set asside my ideals and principles about the issue, or should I try to level out the playing field in my own little world?

Should I only attend weddings when both parties support gay marriage 100% and the officiating entity does as well?


Is this fair? or is it just petty?

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: What would you say to those members in society, members of the Church, who may look at same-gender attraction as different than other temptations, than any other struggle that people face? First of all, do you think it’s a fair assessment that some people have that feeling? What would you say to them?
ELDER OAKS: I think it is an accurate statement to say that some people consider feelings of same-gender attraction to be the defining fact of their existence. There are also people who consider the defining fact of their existence that they are from Texas or that they were in the United States Marines. Or they are red-headed, or they are the best basketball player that ever played for such-and-such a high school. People can adopt a characteristic as the defining example of their existence and often those characteristics are physical. [Jacob: It's ironic that you compare being from Texas and being a Marine to being gay, for at least 2 reasons. First, both are generally considered to be homophobic and second, you would never legally deny someone the right to marry based on them being Texan and/or a Marine.]
We have the agency to choose which characteristics will define us; those choices are not thrust upon us. [Jacob: Ok, so my choices are being alone, unequal, and socially rejected; or in a loving relationship with the person I love. Hmmm, I'd say that's a no brainer!]
The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine destiny. Whenever any of those other notions, whatever they may be, gets in the way of that ultimate defining fact, then it is destructive and it leads us down the wrong path. [Jacob: Beliefs.]

In Response to Ignorance: Part IX

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: A little earlier, Elder Oaks, you talked about the same standard of morality for heterosexuals and homosexuals. How would you address someone who said to you, ‘I understand it’s the same standard, but aren’t we asking a little more of someone who has same-gender attraction?’ Obviously there are heterosexual people who won’t get married, but would you accept that they at least have hope that ‘tomorrow I could meet the person of my dreams.’ There’s always the hope that that could happen at any point in their life. Someone with same-gender attraction wouldn’t necessarily have that same hope.
ELDER OAKS: There are differences, of course, but the contrast is not unique. There are people with physical disabilities that prevent them from having any hope [Jacob: Once again, homosexuality is not a disability.] — in some cases any actual hope and in other cases any practical hope — of marriage. The circumstance of being currently unable to marry, while tragic, is not unique.
It is sometimes said that God could not discriminate against individuals in this circumstance. But life is full of physical infirmities that some might see as discriminations — total paralysis or serious mental impairment being two that are relevant to marriage [Jacob: Your comparisons are ignorant at best, but in reality they're impertinent. Homosexuality is not a disability]. If we believe in God and believe in His mercy and His justice, it won’t do to say that these are discriminations because God wouldn’t discriminate. We are in no condition to judge what discrimination is. We rest on our faith in God and our utmost assurance of His mercy and His love for all of His children. [Jacob: Hiding discrimination behind religion is not new; it must feel safe to discriminate when you believe in a god who justifies it.]
ELDER WICKMAN: There’s really no question that there is an anguish associated with the inability to marry in this life. We feel for someone that has that anguish. I feel for somebody that has that anguish. But it’s not limited to someone who has same-gender attraction.
We live in a very self-absorbed age. I guess it’s naturally human to think about my own problems as somehow greater than someone else’s. I think when any one of us begins to think that way, it might be well be to look beyond ourselves. Who am I to say that I am more handicapped, or suffering more, than someone else [Jacob: I'm beginning to think I should start getting disability compensation and maybe a handicapped license plate.]?
I happen to have a handicapped daughter. She’s a beautiful girl. She’ll be 27 next week. Her name is Courtney. Courtney will never marry in this life, yet she looks wistfully upon those who do. She will stand at the window of my office which overlooks the Salt Lake Temple and look at the brides and their new husbands as they’re having their pictures taken. She’s at once captivated by it and saddened because Courtney understands that will not be her experience here. Courtney didn’t ask for the circumstances into which she was born in this life, any more than somebody with same-gender attraction did. So there are lots of kinds of anguish people can have, even associated with just this matter of marriage. What we look forward to, and the great promise of the gospel, is that whatever our inclinations are here, whatever our shortcomings are here, whatever the hindrances to our enjoying a fullness of joy here, we have the Lord’s assurance for every one of us that those in due course will be removed. We just need to remain faithful. [Jacob: Homosexuality is neither a physical or mental handicap.]

In Response to Ignorance: Part VIII

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Is heterosexual marriage ever an option for those with homosexual feelings?
ELDER OAKS: We are sometimes asked about whether marriage is a remedy for these feelings that we have been talking about. President Hinckley, faced with the fact that apparently some had believed it to be a remedy, and perhaps that some Church leaders had even counseled marriage as the remedy for these feelings, made this statement: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.” To me that means that we are not going to stand still to put at risk daughters of God who would enter into such marriages under false pretenses or under a cloud unknown to them. Persons who have this kind of challenge that they cannot control could not enter marriage in good faith.
On the other hand, persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate [Jacob: Since gay people are not attracted to the opposite sex your approach is not applicable. You are referring to questioning persons or bisexuals. Also, you seem to imply that men are the only ones who experience homosexual feelings; this is of course false.]
President Hinckley said that marriage is not a therapeutic step to solve problems. [Jacob: True, he did say that. Cynically speaking, Marriage causes more problems than it solves.]
ELDER WICKMAN: One question that might be asked by somebody who is struggling with same-gender attraction is, “Is this something I’m stuck with forever? What bearing does this have on eternal life? If I can somehow make it through this life, when I appear on the other side, what will I be like?”
Gratefully, the answer is that same-gender attraction did not exist in the pre-earth life and neither will it exist in the next life. It is a circumstance that for whatever reason or reasons seems to apply right now in mortality, in this nano-second of our eternal existence.
The good news for somebody who is struggling with same-gender attraction is this: 1) It is that ‘I’m not stuck with it forever.’ It’s just now. Admittedly, for each one of us, it’s hard to look beyond the ‘now’ sometimes. But nonetheless, if you see mortality as now, it’s only during this season. 2) If I can keep myself worthy here, if I can be true to gospel commandments, if I can keep covenants that I have made, the blessings of exaltation and eternal life that Heavenly Father holds out to all of His children apply to me. Every blessing — including eternal marriage — is and will be mine in due course. [Jacob: It seems to me that this interview is being used as a means to inform the public about Mormon beliefs rather than explaining the church's political activity.]
ELDER OAKS: Let me just add a thought to that. There is no fullness of joy in the next life without a family unit, including a husband, a wife, and posterity. Further, men are that they might have joy. In the eternal perspective, same-gender activity will only bring sorrow and grief and the loss of eternal opportunities. [Jacob: These are beliefs, not facts.]

New Year's Resolutions

1. Upgrade my living conditions
   
2. Accumulate $7,000 in savings
   
3. Throw 5 swim team parties at new place
   

Blacklist

The following people have been blacklisted for their bigotted stance on issues of equality:

1. Thomas S. Monson (Leader of the Mormon Church)
2. Rick Warren (Evangelical Minister)
3. George Niederauer (San Francisco Catholic Archbishop)
4. Celestino Migliore (Catholic Archbishop)
5. William Donahue (President of the Catholic League)
6. James Dobson (Founder of Focus on the Family)
7. Fred Phelps (Westboro Baptist Paster)
8. Pat Robertson (Televangelist)
9. Dallin H. Oaks (Mormon Leader)
10. Lance B. Wickman (Mormon Leader)
11. Rush Limbaugh (American Radio Host)
12. George W. Bush (Former President of the US)
13. Dick Cheney (Former Vice President of the US)
14. Rick Santorum (Former US Senator)
15. Patrick Walker (Pastor of the Macedonia Baptist Church in Southeast Washington)
16. Elaine Donnelly (Crusader against gays in the military)
17. Army Sgt. Maj. Brian Jones (Army leader against gays in the military)
18. Steven Anderson (Fundamental Baptist Church Pastor in Tempe, Arizona)
19. Richard J. Malone (Bishop of Portland, OR)
20. Scott Lively (President of Abiding Truth Ministries)
21. John Hagee (Senior pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas)
22. Ted Haggard (American Evangelical Preacher)

Let me know about others that need to be added...I know there are lots more. I'd like to include those who are against civil rights in general...not just anti-gay persons/organizations.