Game Night

I had a game night at my place tonight. We played video games (Halo 2 and Fusion Frenzy 2) and card games (Uno). It was alot of fun. It was mostly people I knew from swim team. The best thing was that no one noticed my sunburn; super happy about that!

Big Mistake!

My skin is seared! Let's just say, when I went tanning yesterday and the person behind the counter talked me into upgrading to a better bed for the day. BIG MISTAKE. I am totally burned! I'm so mad, I had such a beautiful glow and now I'm gonna peal!

This is the second snag for my vacation; the first being the week I was sick. I'm bracing myself for number 3 because we all know that bad things happen in 3's.

Quote of the YEAR

"The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities."

~Lord Acton

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Surprise Phone Call

Ok, so I'm barely home from work and I get a call from a local number I don't recognize. This is a brand new phone number so I assume it's a mistake and let it go to voicemail.

Jesse, a cousin of mine, who I haven't seen in over 2 years is trying to get a hold of me. I call him back up and we go to Macaroni Grille for dinner.

Keep in mind, I'm not out to anyone on his side beyond my immediate family. We spent some time catching up and it came time. Now I confess, it has gotten much easier to talk to people about my sexuality, but from some reason the family element makes the whole situation harder.

I did come out to Jesse and he was very understanding and non-judgemental.

It is very refreshing to know that even with an extremely Mormon background someone can be open minded and accepting.

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Rate My Blog

"Just remember what the MPAA says: Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!" ~ South Park - The Movie

Why the rating? Use of words like: gay, lesbian, hell, etc.

The last 3 posts get a G rating
The last 10 posts get a PG rating
The last 20 posts get NC-17

I guess I've gotten more audience friendly recently.

Anticipating Problems

Ok, it's officially prepare-for-worst-hope-for-best time.

According to the local news, The next two weeks are going to be some of the worst for travelers...Overbooked flights, airline software glitches, crowds, security, etc.

"Expect Heavy Delays"

I'm going to cross my fingers and hope things go as smoothly as possible, but at the same time I'm gonna pack light and bring plenty of stuff to entertain me while I wait and wait and wait some more.

Wish me luck!

Personal Record: Most Expensive Salon Experience

Hair Cut: $25
Color Weave: $65
Eyebrow Wax: $20
Tip: $30

Multiple complements on new look: Priceless :-)

Feeling Better

Ok, so this weekend I finally started to feel better and I feel almost completely myself this morning.

Since I was feeling better I went to my swim team's movie night at Chris'.

First we watched Grease, which was an interesting experience in a room full of homosexuals; it was just one big sing-a-long.

Then we watch a movie I'd never heard of, Can't Stop the Music. OMG! It was awful! The gayest movie in the worst way! It featured the Village People. Super gay! It was too much.

Random QandA

I found this on one of my friend's blogs...thought it was interesting...here are my answers...

1. If you were to face the Wizard of Oz, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? More courage. With enough courage we could all use our hearts and minds to their full potential.

2. Have you ever gone to court for anything? What for? Once, and hopefully never again. I went there to establish a restraining order against my first boyfriend.

3. What was the last thing you did that you previously told yourself you wouldn't do? Oh dear, I really don't want to answer this one...get involved with someone on my swim team.

4. Did you ever have a summer fling while on vacation? No, but it's not too late...going to Hawaii soon. ;-)

5. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone who's name you never knew? Unfortunately yes. Being so impersonal really isn't my style...don't know why I did it.

Bonus (as in optional): What is the best way to mend a broken heart? Unfortunately for me and my heart...it's all about time. Time helps me forget the pain. It doesn't matter how much I bitch, moan, hate or contemplate...it just takes time and usually a lot of it, years.

Different Views

I saw you there atop a distant hill
I heard your voice through the calm and still
Your words sounded so honest and sure
I was curious, approached premature.

And as I drew near, the more it waned;
The calm, the clarity, it all was maimed.
It became clear, the closer I came
That I was never really your aim.

Deja Vu

I've had an unpleasant sort of Deja Vu this week. I guess it isn't so much Deja Vu as it is a relapse of old habits.

I had my first meet in 8 years last weekend. So I over prepared and kept myself real busy to the point where I forget to eat...then not eat enough...then end up feeling weak for my events. That part is definately familiar; however, the second part is just as familiar albeit worse. After my temporary eating disorder has kicked in, I usually get sick.

Yep, I feel 17 all over again. The nausea, the aches, the weak feeling in my bones...all too familiar!

Tucson Brute Squad Meet

The Brute Squad Meet, my first swimming competition in 8 years. If you swam the 200 Fly, 400IM and 1500 Free you got a towel to commemorate the experience.

I placed well, but I wasn't very happy with my times, I think I need to eat more. :)

1st place in the 200 Fly and 400IM, but I think I got fourth in the 1500 Free.

A special thanks to Eddie from the Sunfish who came down to support and swim with me.

"New" Dating Pool

Ok, here's the short of it: Dating has returned to the picture and it certainly hasn't grown easier since the last time. The biggest change though is the type of men that seem to be around me, older guys.

I've always been attracted to older men, but I've never dated one. My first boyfriend was 9 months older than me, but that hardly counts. Now there seems to be a plethora of attractive men anywhere from 5 - 20 years older than me. So I'm kind of giddy and apprehensive at the same time. Notwithstanding I've never lived on the older man block, I've been around it a few times and I have a number of concerns...

1. Men in general seldom change, and I consistently hear that it only gets worse with age. So anything I don't like about an older guy I had just better accept or hit the road.



2. Lots of older men seem to like younger guys; that's fine now, but what happens when I'm no longer young? Do I become dross to be cast aside?



3. Physiological deterioration is another concern. Are they going to be able to get it up and get "there" in a reasonable amount of time? As men get older they seem to be less and less receptive to stimuli.



4. With some of these guys there is a real generation gap. They grew up in a very different world and time. They coped with and know about things that are completely foreign to me. At the same time, they are unfamiliar with my experiences and challenges making the process of finding commonality just that much harder.



5. The ones that seem worth dating have a really good idea of what they want. This is great except when you don't measure up. They're experienced enough in the game to know that if they're patient something they want will come along.

In other words, it's the same game with new twists, and so far I don't seem to be up to the challenge. The possible moves and rules are all different and more complex.

Fight for Freedom

I remember being taught in grade school that when our country won the Revolutionary War we won our freedom, but the issue is far more complicated than that.

We are still waging the war of freedom. No matter who or where we are, we all play a role in this epic conflict. The victory that the original American colonies won against the British was important terrain on the path of freedom, but it only makes up a portion of the journey.

As a gay person, I feel my rights and freedoms frequently under attack. There's gay marriage, and then there isn't; civil unions one day, annulment the next. Our nation has been teetering back and forth on this issue for years now.

When this issue is stripped down to its core, what I usually find is widely accepted inequality based on holy sanction. In other words, god sanctions straight people's feelings therefore mine are invalid.

I know that many people's god doesn't validate my feelings, but my heart doesn't seem to care. My heart breaks just as much as anyone's. Love affects me in the same way as well, with all the irrational silliness that's been in poetry, books, stories, plays and movies since before recorded history.

Just like the oppressive monarchy we strove so diligently to separate ourselves from, we feel comfortable with imposing inequality on others because god said so.

Why was the king, king? Because god put him there.

Why did we leave the king's rule? Because religious freedom is important to us.

Why do straight people get more rights than gay people? Because god said so.

Why should gay and straight be equal? Because religious freedom is important to us!

Phoenix Sunfish

Since this last April I've been a part of the gay and lesbian masters swim team, Phoenix Sunfish. At first I was just going to get in shape for my next trip to Hawaii, but it has become so much more than a workout.

When I finished swimming in high school I had a really bad taste in my mouth over all the drama and petty swimmers. There were few people on my team whom I could tolerate and even fewer I cared for. Being a gay-Mormon in denyal on a swim team of crude nearly naked athletes didn't sit very well (I know, mostly my fault). By the end of 1999 I didn't think I'd ever compete again.

For a month or so after I joined the Sunfish I still didn't intend to participate in meets, but all that has changed. Making friends with the people on the team has been a great experience so far. On top of being swimmers we are also a part of the same community.

This weekend will be my first swimming competition in 8 years. Crazy! I'm so nervous and excited! To ease my jitters I splerged and got a suite at the Holiday Inn near the pool. Meet results will be posted next week.

The only one you can depend on...

Equality is very important to me. I never want to commit to anything that I think I might not be able to deliver on; however, the world around me seems to view this principle very differently.

Take my last post for example. So many empty promises.

My first boyfriend really didn't make much of an attempt at equality at all. Our relationship was littered with double standards. He stayed out late with friends by himself, but I was rarely allowed to even visit my family.

The most recent boyfriend was perfectly ok with me taking on all the responsibilities while he continued to be a petulant child. Despite the pressure I applied to encourage equality I felt more like a parent than a partner. He was just too comfortable depending on me because he knew I'd come through for him. Truth is, I do that for everyone I care about.

I just find it almost upsetting that the only people whom I can depend on are my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they're there for me, but what's the deal with everyone else? My parents believe that being gay is a choice and a sin, so even though they care the Elephant in the room is always present no matter how well we pretend it isn't there.

The underlying irony of this all is that now I don't let people position themselves to disappoint me as much. People aren't allowed to be as close as they once were. No more huge favors with expectations of return. Still, somehow those around me never fail to disappoint. Low expectations? Ha, there's no such thing! Any expectations at all equates to too much. Is it too much to ask that a person meet up to a small portion of reasonable expectations? Yes! From experience, I'd have to say it's way too much to ask!

So all this begs the question...should I ever expect anything in the first place? Probably not. I can't deny it though, it hurts deeply when I know if the situation were in reverse I'd receive nothing.

I guess the moral of the story is: Helping others makes you a good person, helping others and expecting anything in return makes you bitter.

A little more emotion to add to the facts

Those of you who know anything about me, know what and who this is about...


Do you remember this day as well as I?
The day you made all your promises a lie?
Do you remember the bleeding heart
You used to keep us from being apart?

The kindness I paid you when I saw your pain
Forgetting my needs and with you remain
What happened to you when thunderstorm cleared?
I didn't know it was the calm that you feared!

You ignored me and dodged my calls
Four months passed and no word at all
Leaving me alone in limbo to dwell;
Assuming the worst, it felt like hell.

Without explanation you ended it all;
Leaving me solely to take the fall.
You've now moved on and I want to know
Why it was so easy to let me go?

"We'll always be friends," you'd often say.
It was simply lip-service you wanted to pay.
Does god accept liars in his home, you think?
Oh no! Deep into hell you will sink!

But at least in hell you'll be among friends
For traitors must make eternal amends.
Fair well to you my long lost friend
Karma will haunt you until the end.

Unpleasant Anniversary

Today is a rather unpleasant year mark for me.

It was a year ago today that my best friend ever decided to break things off permanently with me.

For years we had been thick as thieves, and we had helped each other through some really trying times. She was actually the first person I ever came out to. The only problem was that she was in love with me. Yes, we had your classic "Will & Grace" relationship.

Unfortunately, on more than one occasion she got into the middle of some pretty ugly and scary squabbles between me and my boyfriend at the time. At the peek of all the drama she helped me uphold a restraining order against said ex-boyfriend. I couldn't have done it without her.

Time and time again she made promises that ultimately she wouldn't keep. "Boyfriends may come and go, but I will always be there for you," she would state softly appearing to believe her own statement.

At the beginning of summer 2005 she moved to Texas to accept a teaching position. Before she left, we spent countless hours together. I was really excited for her, but I knew I'd miss her.

Over the next 6 months she visited family, friends and me more than once. Then at one point I couldn't get a hold of her. I called about every two weeks for 3 months and then finally sent her this email:

"I'm so worried about you. What happened to you? I've been trying to get a hold of you for months now. I almost always leave a message, but I don't get any type of return communiqué. I even tried to get a hold of your parents just to see if you were ok, but I wasn't able to find a phone number for them.

I refuse to believe you're that busy. I just want to know you're ok."

The next day I received this email from her:

"I am doing well. I have moved on with my life, and I do not want any more contact with you. Please respect my wishes."

It's probably silly to still be upset about this, but it was hard to try to move on without any sort of explanation.

Truth be told, I probably would have had a hard time regardless of the circumstances; I just don't understand why she needed to end it. Cool things off maybe, be just friends and not BEST friends. In any case, I have respected her wishes. I haven't made any attempt to contact her since I replied to her last email:

"Alright, that's all I need to know. Best wishes."

There is a particular irony behind this whole situation, her greatest fear is having people she loves leave her because she isn't worth it.

It's not a new thing for someone to fear something that they themselves are capable of.