1. Find a good therapist (Check)
2. Make a career change and/or job change (Check)
3. Gain 10 lbs in muscle (Check)
4. Focus on people's good qualities in an effort to appreciate them more and improve my attitude towards them. (This is an on going thing, but something I still need to work on)
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Walls
What's your motivation when the day is through?
Do you justify your actions by what's been done to you?
Do you do good to bind others to obligation,
To coerce some form of self gratification?
Is it a desire to purge yourself of guilt?
Former circumstances without protection built.
The walls defend against a pain's repeat,
But your walls inevitably bare defeat.
The walls cannot block the pain that's within
The barriers also thwart joy that could begin.
Do you justify your actions by what's been done to you?
Do you do good to bind others to obligation,
To coerce some form of self gratification?
Is it a desire to purge yourself of guilt?
Former circumstances without protection built.
The walls defend against a pain's repeat,
But your walls inevitably bare defeat.
The walls cannot block the pain that's within
The barriers also thwart joy that could begin.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Appropriate Quote
"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against [our] benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit [us]."
~ Anais Nin
Seek
Do I really seek truth?
It's so ugly and uncouth
Each time I strip away a lie
I watch beauty whither and die.
How often does a gorgeous facade
Conceal something most retched and odd?
How often is the sound of praise
Used to manipulate and to maze?
Do the beliefs I cling to for hope
Wrap around my neck in the form of a rope?
Is the reality I think I exist in
Held up by a cloth worn and paper thin?
It's so ugly and uncouth
Each time I strip away a lie
I watch beauty whither and die.
How often does a gorgeous facade
Conceal something most retched and odd?
How often is the sound of praise
Used to manipulate and to maze?
Do the beliefs I cling to for hope
Wrap around my neck in the form of a rope?
Is the reality I think I exist in
Held up by a cloth worn and paper thin?
Taskmaster
The image in permanent view
My self-perception is askew
Ever trying to be
Like those images I see.
The ideal hanging over my head
Other endeavours left unfed
The taskmaster's lashing me;
No chains, yet I do not flee.
I'm afraid there's no place to run
He's been there since life's begun
There's no one crueler, you see;
For the taskmaster is me.
My self-perception is askew
Ever trying to be
Like those images I see.
The ideal hanging over my head
Other endeavours left unfed
The taskmaster's lashing me;
No chains, yet I do not flee.
I'm afraid there's no place to run
He's been there since life's begun
There's no one crueler, you see;
For the taskmaster is me.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Lunch with Mom
So I took my mom out of lunch today. This is actually the 4th or 5th time we've gone out to eat together. Is that unusual? Some people think it's weird that I take my mom out to eat places.
Truth is, she loves the places I take her so much it's hard not to have a good time.
This time we went to Ticoz near 7th Street and Camelback and she absolutely loved it. I can't wait to take her to some other fun place.
Truth is, she loves the places I take her so much it's hard not to have a good time.
This time we went to Ticoz near 7th Street and Camelback and she absolutely loved it. I can't wait to take her to some other fun place.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Holy sh*t, it's been a year!
Today I've been with AMEX (contracted through CDI) for a year. Boy, the days felt like weeks, but the weeks felt like days. Made so many good friends, I really am fortunate to work with excellent and open-minded individuals.
I didn't know if they'd renew my contract, come today I was wondering if all of a sudden I'd be unemployed. Fortunately I'm still here and bringing home a paycheck.
I didn't know if they'd renew my contract, come today I was wondering if all of a sudden I'd be unemployed. Fortunately I'm still here and bringing home a paycheck.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Dr. Not-As-Advertised
I have this friend at work that doesn't really work with me, but comes by to say "Hi" sometimes. He's a part of the extended groups of friends that I usually meet through my coworkers.
A while back he asked me if I'd be interested in meeting one of his friends for a date sometime. Immediately I ask, "Well tell me about him, what's he like?"
The picture he painted for me was quite pretty, "Well, he's a doctor and I think about 35"
"No problems there," I reply approvingly.
"...and he's a big body builder type, do you get into that?" my friend asks with sincere doubt.
"I could definitely get into that!" I answer holding back the laughter.
So a couple of weeks later the ball starts rolling...I send my friend a picture of me and he sends it to my date. He likes, check.
Then my friend shoots me an IM, "Man, I really f-ed up...turns out he's actually 45...but he totally looks 35!"
I give the green light, but doubt begins to build.
There's an abnormal delay in getting a reciprocating picture, but I already have such a pretty picture in my head that I proceed; I make all the arrangements, when, where.
I get an email from my work friend, "Here's the picture I kept forgetting to send..."
I download it from my BlackBerry and open it. Stunned, I stood fixated on the small digital pixels for at least a minute.
"Who is this? There must be some mistake. Not only is this man old enough to be my father (45), he looks older than my father (50)."
I studied the picture more, the man was completely bald and slightly chunky looking.
"Body builder? I'm sorry, but no one could stretch it that far."
All the arrangements are made though...it's just not in me to back out. So I go through with it. Many of my friends find my predicament amusing.
The date went exactly as I expected and hoped it would...there was nothing and we ended our evening with a quick hug.
Life goes on as normal now, with one small change. My work friend now has the word "CLUELESS" imagined to be stenciled across his forehead.
A while back he asked me if I'd be interested in meeting one of his friends for a date sometime. Immediately I ask, "Well tell me about him, what's he like?"
The picture he painted for me was quite pretty, "Well, he's a doctor and I think about 35"
"No problems there," I reply approvingly.
"...and he's a big body builder type, do you get into that?" my friend asks with sincere doubt.
"I could definitely get into that!" I answer holding back the laughter.
So a couple of weeks later the ball starts rolling...I send my friend a picture of me and he sends it to my date. He likes, check.
Then my friend shoots me an IM, "Man, I really f-ed up...turns out he's actually 45...but he totally looks 35!"
I give the green light, but doubt begins to build.
There's an abnormal delay in getting a reciprocating picture, but I already have such a pretty picture in my head that I proceed; I make all the arrangements, when, where.
I get an email from my work friend, "Here's the picture I kept forgetting to send..."
I download it from my BlackBerry and open it. Stunned, I stood fixated on the small digital pixels for at least a minute.
"Who is this? There must be some mistake. Not only is this man old enough to be my father (45), he looks older than my father (50)."
I studied the picture more, the man was completely bald and slightly chunky looking.
"Body builder? I'm sorry, but no one could stretch it that far."
All the arrangements are made though...it's just not in me to back out. So I go through with it. Many of my friends find my predicament amusing.
The date went exactly as I expected and hoped it would...there was nothing and we ended our evening with a quick hug.
Life goes on as normal now, with one small change. My work friend now has the word "CLUELESS" imagined to be stenciled across his forehead.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Emma Smith: My Story
Last night I took my swim buddy and fellow recovering Mormon to "Emma Smith: My Story"
Just so we're all on the same page, Emma Smith was married to Joseph Smith Jr., the original leader of the Mormon Church, when the church first started and was forced to move as far as Nauvoo, IL.
You're probably wondering why two ex-Mormons like us would go and see such a movie, and under most circumstances I'd pass up this movie and not give it a second thought. First of all, it was free, a free preview to a work-in-progress film. Also, I'd be given a chance to critique a Mormon-made film, which is an opportunity I felt I couldn't pass up :)
My friend Taylor finds religion very fascinating despite his rather bitter past and since I was allowed one guest, I knew I had to invite him.
The movie was definitely Mormon-centric. A more appropriate title to this flick would be, "Joseph Smith through the eyes of Emma" Some parts made me uncomfortable with their overly religious content and bias.
All in all, I'd have to say I didn't like the film; too slow and religious for my taste. The movie only lasted about 1:45 min, but it felt more like 3+ hours to me.
Just so we're all on the same page, Emma Smith was married to Joseph Smith Jr., the original leader of the Mormon Church, when the church first started and was forced to move as far as Nauvoo, IL.
You're probably wondering why two ex-Mormons like us would go and see such a movie, and under most circumstances I'd pass up this movie and not give it a second thought. First of all, it was free, a free preview to a work-in-progress film. Also, I'd be given a chance to critique a Mormon-made film, which is an opportunity I felt I couldn't pass up :)
My friend Taylor finds religion very fascinating despite his rather bitter past and since I was allowed one guest, I knew I had to invite him.
The movie was definitely Mormon-centric. A more appropriate title to this flick would be, "Joseph Smith through the eyes of Emma" Some parts made me uncomfortable with their overly religious content and bias.
All in all, I'd have to say I didn't like the film; too slow and religious for my taste. The movie only lasted about 1:45 min, but it felt more like 3+ hours to me.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
What's happened to customer service?
There's doctor's offices and customer service, and never the twain shall meet.
They refer to me as a "patient", so I guess that wouldn't entitle me to any treatment that a customer would expect.
The last several times I've visited my doctor the woman behind the front desk has asked me for my insurance card. Finally the last visit I'd had enough, "You know, every time I come in here you ask me for my card."
Now the lady behind the desk tells me I have a balance over $200 with them. Hmmm, I wonder...how do you expect to receive payment unless you're actually billing my insurance? Were you taking my insurance card to admire its aesthetics?
Thinking about it, customer service has never been a part of the doctor experience. I'm always forced to wait, often patronized and/or ignored. Ya know, feels a little like dating someone. "Doctor, if you're going to f*** me this hard maybe I should be charging you!"
They refer to me as a "patient", so I guess that wouldn't entitle me to any treatment that a customer would expect.
The last several times I've visited my doctor the woman behind the front desk has asked me for my insurance card. Finally the last visit I'd had enough, "You know, every time I come in here you ask me for my card."
Now the lady behind the desk tells me I have a balance over $200 with them. Hmmm, I wonder...how do you expect to receive payment unless you're actually billing my insurance? Were you taking my insurance card to admire its aesthetics?
Thinking about it, customer service has never been a part of the doctor experience. I'm always forced to wait, often patronized and/or ignored. Ya know, feels a little like dating someone. "Doctor, if you're going to f*** me this hard maybe I should be charging you!"
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Chances
How can you ask for a single chance?
You've had your shot, twice...thrice;
I see a thousand when I take a glance.
Only one? Wouldn't that be nice.
You're only asking for ONE more.
Easy enough wouldn't you say?
It's a lot more difficult after a score
One more spent and another to pay
How many chances do you need my friend?
Your requests, I fear, will never end
The points against you begin to mount
I'm sorry the pretenses never count!
You've had your shot, twice...thrice;
I see a thousand when I take a glance.
Only one? Wouldn't that be nice.
You're only asking for ONE more.
Easy enough wouldn't you say?
It's a lot more difficult after a score
One more spent and another to pay
How many chances do you need my friend?
Your requests, I fear, will never end
The points against you begin to mount
I'm sorry the pretenses never count!
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
That Path
I’ve been down that path before
And others I’ve yet to explore
You can’t force me, I won’t follow you
The path I’ll blaze only taken by few.
Can’t conjure the love you express to me
My decision is already made you see
My heart knows that terrain too well
All connections ready to expel
And others I’ve yet to explore
You can’t force me, I won’t follow you
The path I’ll blaze only taken by few.
Can’t conjure the love you express to me
My decision is already made you see
My heart knows that terrain too well
All connections ready to expel
Friday, November 02, 2007
"For the Bible Tells Me So"
I heard about this movie a while back, but thought it would never make its way to Phoenix. Fortunately the small theater on Mill Avenue near ASU showed it last weekend.
A group of friends and I saw it together and I must say I was impressed. This movie basically outlined how many people have used the Bible to stigmatize and justify their hatred toward particular groups of people; historically, African Americans, women and more recently, gay people. It was a very emotional at times, some people seeing the light from the beginning, others only a portion of the light, and some seeing it a little too late.
I knew I was in for a treat when there were protesters outside; oblivious to the fact they were proving the point of the movie.
A group of friends and I saw it together and I must say I was impressed. This movie basically outlined how many people have used the Bible to stigmatize and justify their hatred toward particular groups of people; historically, African Americans, women and more recently, gay people. It was a very emotional at times, some people seeing the light from the beginning, others only a portion of the light, and some seeing it a little too late.
I knew I was in for a treat when there were protesters outside; oblivious to the fact they were proving the point of the movie.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Maddox on fashion
This website is totally tactless and offensive...so I love it!
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion
WARNING: This site may be blocked on company computers.
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=fashion
WARNING: This site may be blocked on company computers.
Brother's Mission Call
For those of you who are unfamiliar, a mission call is an important thing to young Mormon men. It's the time in their life when they find out where the Mormon church is going to send them to teach other people about the Mormon church.
My brother, Luke, sent in his information to Salt Lake City (Church Headquarters) a couple of weeks ago.
My personal guess was that he'd serve in Missouri, but turns out he'll be in the Florida Orlando Mission. Wow, crazy! Two years of your life in a place you've never been before. I can't believe it's been almost 9 years since I was going through the same thing. Gosh, I feel old.
My brother, Luke, sent in his information to Salt Lake City (Church Headquarters) a couple of weeks ago.
My personal guess was that he'd serve in Missouri, but turns out he'll be in the Florida Orlando Mission. Wow, crazy! Two years of your life in a place you've never been before. I can't believe it's been almost 9 years since I was going through the same thing. Gosh, I feel old.
Personal Training
Today's an exciting milestone for me. I'm hoping to make a big change in my appearance (unrealistic perhaps) and begin work with a personal trainer.
My goal is to gain 25 of muscle in 3 months. Too much? Not likely? Well if nothing else I'd like to become the beef cake version of ME. Ok, so maybe that's still skinny, but improvement is what I'm looking for. Most of all I'd like to learn how to use weights...all I've ever done is swim; I'm clueless when it comes to weight training. I'm hoping this program will help me with that deficiency.
Wish me luck, I start today at 7pm.
My goal is to gain 25 of muscle in 3 months. Too much? Not likely? Well if nothing else I'd like to become the beef cake version of ME. Ok, so maybe that's still skinny, but improvement is what I'm looking for. Most of all I'd like to learn how to use weights...all I've ever done is swim; I'm clueless when it comes to weight training. I'm hoping this program will help me with that deficiency.
Wish me luck, I start today at 7pm.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
- Reality Check -
1. Most people don't know I exist
2. Most of my acquaintances don't care about me
3. Many of my acquaintances don't like me
4. Most of my friends don't care if I'm their friend at all
5. Many of my friends only pursue what they can get from me
6. Many of my friends often get annoyed with me
7. Some of my friends love me despite my flaws.
8. Some of my friends love me for my flaws
9. A few of my friends love and care about me.
...And all that doesn't matter if I care about myself as much as I want others to.
2. Most of my acquaintances don't care about me
3. Many of my acquaintances don't like me
4. Most of my friends don't care if I'm their friend at all
5. Many of my friends only pursue what they can get from me
6. Many of my friends often get annoyed with me
7. Some of my friends love me despite my flaws.
8. Some of my friends love me for my flaws
9. A few of my friends love and care about me.
...And all that doesn't matter if I care about myself as much as I want others to.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Making You Mine
When all the songs seem to be about you
When your voice sheds every shade of blue
And your presence draws light from above
I simply must ask, ‘could it be love?’
When all your wants become mine too
And your smile pearces my chest through
Could it be some silly infatuation,
Or could it be love?
My euphoria sores, my mind's grounded
I know my feelings are firmly founded
When your bliss means more than making you mine
I know it must be love.
When your voice sheds every shade of blue
And your presence draws light from above
I simply must ask, ‘could it be love?’
When all your wants become mine too
And your smile pearces my chest through
Could it be some silly infatuation,
Or could it be love?
My euphoria sores, my mind's grounded
I know my feelings are firmly founded
When your bliss means more than making you mine
I know it must be love.
Reflections
You go through life trying to please them all
A social construct that will always fall
Your happiness contingent on theirs
Disappointment is the best it fares
Forcing yourself into everyone's mold
Trying to do and look as you’re told
You’re pushed and pulled in all directions
Avoiding truths like deadly infections
You resist eye contact with the mirror
Unfamiliar with how you appear
The shell does not reveal
The person you’re still.
A social construct that will always fall
Your happiness contingent on theirs
Disappointment is the best it fares
Forcing yourself into everyone's mold
Trying to do and look as you’re told
You’re pushed and pulled in all directions
Avoiding truths like deadly infections
You resist eye contact with the mirror
Unfamiliar with how you appear
The shell does not reveal
The person you’re still.
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