Reflections

You go through life trying to please them all
A social construct that will always fall
Your happiness contingent on theirs
Disappointment is the best it fares

Forcing yourself into everyone's mold
Trying to do and look as you’re told
You’re pushed and pulled in all directions
Avoiding truths like deadly infections

You resist eye contact with the mirror
Unfamiliar with how you appear
The shell does not reveal
The person you’re still.

The only one you can depend on...

Equality is very important to me. I never want to commit to anything that I think I might not be able to deliver on; however, the world around me seems to view this principle very differently.

Take my last post for example. So many empty promises.

My first boyfriend really didn't make much of an attempt at equality at all. Our relationship was littered with double standards. He stayed out late with friends by himself, but I was rarely allowed to even visit my family.

The most recent boyfriend was perfectly ok with me taking on all the responsibilities while he continued to be a petulant child. Despite the pressure I applied to encourage equality I felt more like a parent than a partner. He was just too comfortable depending on me because he knew I'd come through for him. Truth is, I do that for everyone I care about.

I just find it almost upsetting that the only people whom I can depend on are my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they're there for me, but what's the deal with everyone else? My parents believe that being gay is a choice and a sin, so even though they care the Elephant in the room is always present no matter how well we pretend it isn't there.

The underlying irony of this all is that now I don't let people position themselves to disappoint me as much. People aren't allowed to be as close as they once were. No more huge favors with expectations of return. Still, somehow those around me never fail to disappoint. Low expectations? Ha, there's no such thing! Any expectations at all equates to too much. Is it too much to ask that a person meet up to a small portion of reasonable expectations? Yes! From experience, I'd have to say it's way too much to ask!

So all this begs the question...should I ever expect anything in the first place? Probably not. I can't deny it though, it hurts deeply when I know if the situation were in reverse I'd receive nothing.

I guess the moral of the story is: Helping others makes you a good person, helping others and expecting anything in return makes you bitter.