Walls

What's your motivation when the day is through?
Do you justify your actions by what's been done to you?
Do you do good to bind others to obligation,
To coerce some form of self gratification?

Is it a desire to purge yourself of guilt?
Former circumstances without protection built.
The walls defend against a pain's repeat,
But your walls inevitably bare defeat.

The walls cannot block the pain that's within
The barriers also thwart joy that could begin.

Internal Struggle

This may be pathetic and narcissistic, but the main reason I started swimming again was to lose weight and get in shape for Hawaii. The Hawaii trip is over, what now?

I'm still swimming and even competing, but something is lacking: a goal, something to shoot for.

What about improving my times? That would seem like a reasonable way to keep motivated, but seeing my times after races is one of the most discouraging things. I remember many of my personal bests from high school and to be perfectly frank, I'm a f***in' turtle in comparison. Why not just focus on improving my recent times? I'm afraid asking me to pretend like my early career didn't happen just isn't me.

What about pure competition? Well the competition is so scattered and inconsistent, there is no way of telling if I'm going to meet up with a weak or intense field. So relying on that to bolster my motivation is unhealthy at best.

What about doing things for the team? The only real connection I feel with my team is our sexuality. We're gay and we happen to have met during a swim practice; I don't feel akin to my teammates through swimming.

The worst part of my devolving level of motivation is the patience I have for my teammates. The little things that I used to not let bother me before my trip really get on my nerves now. Silly things like getting annoyed when someone leaves 2 seconds behind me rather than 5; when they don't know how to be passed; when they go the same pace on the main set as a recovery set; when they say they should go second because they're out of shape and draft off your wake the whole way.

Can you tell I'm annoyed? LOL. It's becoming a serious problem. What should I do? Should I take a break? Should I switch teams? Should I cut back on practices? What?

This is just what's on my mind right now. I'm sure things will work out, just like everything does.