Jockey Joe rides off into the sunset

Jockey Joe and I split up today.

It had something to do with him thinking that he'd never be able to do anything right in my eyes.

It needed to end, but funny thing is that I thought it was working. At least it was a lot more workable than my previous relationships.

Evidently I'm closer to giving up on my relationship ideals than he is.

Echoes

Was paying for mistakes unmade
And now that I've made them
It's clear the path was laid.
Once languishing in the unknown
Now lurched into reality's zone
Unsure exactly how to feel;
Anger sadness, pity, hate
I want to reach out, but it's too late.

Echoes began to precede my voice
You kept me blind, I had no choice
And I helplessly wait for
The wave to swallow me.
And silently implore
While you cowardly flee.
Every form of logic sways me
And my idle mind betrays me.

willful

willing to do everything
except for what it takes
wanting more than a fling
words are all he makes

I try to be mean
he comes for more
I try to be nice
an'e wonders what for

unwilling to change
but demands I do
it sounds a bit strange
and yet it's true

Dr. Not-As-Advertised

I have this friend at work that doesn't really work with me, but comes by to say "Hi" sometimes. He's a part of the extended groups of friends that I usually meet through my coworkers.

A while back he asked me if I'd be interested in meeting one of his friends for a date sometime. Immediately I ask, "Well tell me about him, what's he like?"

The picture he painted for me was quite pretty, "Well, he's a doctor and I think about 35"
"No problems there," I reply approvingly.
"...and he's a big body builder type, do you get into that?" my friend asks with sincere doubt.
"I could definitely get into that!" I answer holding back the laughter.

So a couple of weeks later the ball starts rolling...I send my friend a picture of me and he sends it to my date. He likes, check.

Then my friend shoots me an IM, "Man, I really f-ed up...turns out he's actually 45...but he totally looks 35!"

I give the green light, but doubt begins to build.

There's an abnormal delay in getting a reciprocating picture, but I already have such a pretty picture in my head that I proceed; I make all the arrangements, when, where.

I get an email from my work friend, "Here's the picture I kept forgetting to send..."

I download it from my BlackBerry and open it. Stunned, I stood fixated on the small digital pixels for at least a minute.

"Who is this? There must be some mistake. Not only is this man old enough to be my father (45), he looks older than my father (50)."

I studied the picture more, the man was completely bald and slightly chunky looking.

"Body builder? I'm sorry, but no one could stretch it that far."

All the arrangements are made though...it's just not in me to back out. So I go through with it. Many of my friends find my predicament amusing.

The date went exactly as I expected and hoped it would...there was nothing and we ended our evening with a quick hug.


Life goes on as normal now, with one small change. My work friend now has the word "CLUELESS" imagined to be stenciled across his forehead.

Before I...

I feel the passage of time each day
And with every breathe life's slipping away
I struggle to take the air in deep
And wonder at night if I'll pass beyond sleep.

Pushing through the crowd as it pushes me
Where's left to look? Where can you be?
So many faces, my vision blurs
Will I find you while my soul still sturs?

When I find you will I know your face?
Or will you be a stranger in a foreign place?
Are you searching as I am now?
Or are you lost and don't know how?

I don't want to die before you're there,
Gazing at me with that loving stare.
Sharing the life we knew we would
And by each other understood.

Would it matter if I died today?
Lonely on our course to stay?
No, life does not wait for anyone
Not even for those who walk alone.

"New" Dating Pool

Ok, here's the short of it: Dating has returned to the picture and it certainly hasn't grown easier since the last time. The biggest change though is the type of men that seem to be around me, older guys.

I've always been attracted to older men, but I've never dated one. My first boyfriend was 9 months older than me, but that hardly counts. Now there seems to be a plethora of attractive men anywhere from 5 - 20 years older than me. So I'm kind of giddy and apprehensive at the same time. Notwithstanding I've never lived on the older man block, I've been around it a few times and I have a number of concerns...

1. Men in general seldom change, and I consistently hear that it only gets worse with age. So anything I don't like about an older guy I had just better accept or hit the road.



2. Lots of older men seem to like younger guys; that's fine now, but what happens when I'm no longer young? Do I become dross to be cast aside?



3. Physiological deterioration is another concern. Are they going to be able to get it up and get "there" in a reasonable amount of time? As men get older they seem to be less and less receptive to stimuli.



4. With some of these guys there is a real generation gap. They grew up in a very different world and time. They coped with and know about things that are completely foreign to me. At the same time, they are unfamiliar with my experiences and challenges making the process of finding commonality just that much harder.



5. The ones that seem worth dating have a really good idea of what they want. This is great except when you don't measure up. They're experienced enough in the game to know that if they're patient something they want will come along.

In other words, it's the same game with new twists, and so far I don't seem to be up to the challenge. The possible moves and rules are all different and more complex.