Echoes

Was paying for mistakes unmade
And now that I've made them
It's clear the path was laid.
Once languishing in the unknown
Now lurched into reality's zone
Unsure exactly how to feel;
Anger sadness, pity, hate
I want to reach out, but it's too late.

Echoes began to precede my voice
You kept me blind, I had no choice
And I helplessly wait for
The wave to swallow me.
And silently implore
While you cowardly flee.
Every form of logic sways me
And my idle mind betrays me.

willful

willing to do everything
except for what it takes
wanting more than a fling
words are all he makes

I try to be mean
he comes for more
I try to be nice
an'e wonders what for

unwilling to change
but demands I do
it sounds a bit strange
and yet it's true

Brokeback Mission

I apologize for the cheesy title, but after my Bosnian coworker said it in response to the following story, I just had to use it.

While I was in SLC, the night before my meet two other swimmers and I went out for a night on the town. We stopped by this little gay bar/dance club called Try-Angles. It was a good time and after about an hour we began to prepare to leave.

I leaned up against the bar to close my tab and someone tapped me on the shoulder asking, "Do you remember me?"

"Elder Whittaker?"

Nate Whittaker not only served in the same mission as me, but we served together for 3 months as companions. And NO, we did not mess around ever.

Now, I must confess that it isn't a surprise to find out Elder Whittaker is gay. However, it is surprising to see him "out." He seems like the type that would remain in the closet forever despite that fact that everyone already assumes he is gay :) Kinda like my first boyfriend. LOL.

Taskmaster

The image in permanent view
My self-perception is askew
Ever trying to be
Like those images I see.

The ideal hanging over my head
Other endeavours left unfed
The taskmaster's lashing me;
No chains, yet I do not flee.

I'm afraid there's no place to run
He's been there since life's begun
There's no one crueler, you see;
For the taskmaster is me.

The only one you can depend on...

Equality is very important to me. I never want to commit to anything that I think I might not be able to deliver on; however, the world around me seems to view this principle very differently.

Take my last post for example. So many empty promises.

My first boyfriend really didn't make much of an attempt at equality at all. Our relationship was littered with double standards. He stayed out late with friends by himself, but I was rarely allowed to even visit my family.

The most recent boyfriend was perfectly ok with me taking on all the responsibilities while he continued to be a petulant child. Despite the pressure I applied to encourage equality I felt more like a parent than a partner. He was just too comfortable depending on me because he knew I'd come through for him. Truth is, I do that for everyone I care about.

I just find it almost upsetting that the only people whom I can depend on are my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they're there for me, but what's the deal with everyone else? My parents believe that being gay is a choice and a sin, so even though they care the Elephant in the room is always present no matter how well we pretend it isn't there.

The underlying irony of this all is that now I don't let people position themselves to disappoint me as much. People aren't allowed to be as close as they once were. No more huge favors with expectations of return. Still, somehow those around me never fail to disappoint. Low expectations? Ha, there's no such thing! Any expectations at all equates to too much. Is it too much to ask that a person meet up to a small portion of reasonable expectations? Yes! From experience, I'd have to say it's way too much to ask!

So all this begs the question...should I ever expect anything in the first place? Probably not. I can't deny it though, it hurts deeply when I know if the situation were in reverse I'd receive nothing.

I guess the moral of the story is: Helping others makes you a good person, helping others and expecting anything in return makes you bitter.