New Years Resolutions

1. Find a good therapist (Check)
2. Make a career change and/or job change (Check)
3. Gain 10 lbs in muscle (Check)
4. Focus on people's good qualities in an effort to appreciate them more and improve my attitude towards them. (This is an on going thing, but something I still need to work on)

Taskmaster

The image in permanent view
My self-perception is askew
Ever trying to be
Like those images I see.

The ideal hanging over my head
Other endeavours left unfed
The taskmaster's lashing me;
No chains, yet I do not flee.

I'm afraid there's no place to run
He's been there since life's begun
There's no one crueler, you see;
For the taskmaster is me.

Internal Struggle

This may be pathetic and narcissistic, but the main reason I started swimming again was to lose weight and get in shape for Hawaii. The Hawaii trip is over, what now?

I'm still swimming and even competing, but something is lacking: a goal, something to shoot for.

What about improving my times? That would seem like a reasonable way to keep motivated, but seeing my times after races is one of the most discouraging things. I remember many of my personal bests from high school and to be perfectly frank, I'm a f***in' turtle in comparison. Why not just focus on improving my recent times? I'm afraid asking me to pretend like my early career didn't happen just isn't me.

What about pure competition? Well the competition is so scattered and inconsistent, there is no way of telling if I'm going to meet up with a weak or intense field. So relying on that to bolster my motivation is unhealthy at best.

What about doing things for the team? The only real connection I feel with my team is our sexuality. We're gay and we happen to have met during a swim practice; I don't feel akin to my teammates through swimming.

The worst part of my devolving level of motivation is the patience I have for my teammates. The little things that I used to not let bother me before my trip really get on my nerves now. Silly things like getting annoyed when someone leaves 2 seconds behind me rather than 5; when they don't know how to be passed; when they go the same pace on the main set as a recovery set; when they say they should go second because they're out of shape and draft off your wake the whole way.

Can you tell I'm annoyed? LOL. It's becoming a serious problem. What should I do? Should I take a break? Should I switch teams? Should I cut back on practices? What?

This is just what's on my mind right now. I'm sure things will work out, just like everything does.