First-time Uncle

Well it's official. As of 12:25am today I'm an Uncle.

My sister Jade gave birth to Noah Matthew Little after 7 hours of induced labor. He exhibits all the features she hoped for: her small ears, his dad's eyelashes, and her family's full lips.

Forbidden

My friend David and I decided to try and find the club Forbidden in Scottsdale. This time we found it (the people who gave us directions before didn't know what they were talking about :P )

It was lots of fun, the DJ was great! He played all good mixes and songs (which is super rare). There were also a a lot of creative lighting effects and a drag show.

Now, I enjoy drag shows just as much as the next gay guy, but for god's sake...limit it to 1 hour TOPS! We watched it for 2 straight hours and it was still going when we left. Silliness.

Jockey Joe rides off into the sunset

Jockey Joe and I split up today.

It had something to do with him thinking that he'd never be able to do anything right in my eyes.

It needed to end, but funny thing is that I thought it was working. At least it was a lot more workable than my previous relationships.

Evidently I'm closer to giving up on my relationship ideals than he is.

Blank

I originally posted this last year on the 30th of August. I had filled in the blanks with assumptions that are kinder than the person deserved. I was hit with the information unexpectedly when my current boyfriend, Joe, said he knew the person to whom this poem refers and unknowingly filled in the blanks...

I can’t talk to you at all
Pounding against your wall
What are you hiding within?
Insecurity, unspeakable sin?

There’s too much unknown
I wallow and I grown
Into the depths I sank
As I filled in every blank

Can I slip through the door?
All your feelings explore
What might I see?
Good, bad; all fine with me!

There’s too much unknown
My rational has flown
My retreat you don’t flank
As I fill in every blank

Echoes

Was paying for mistakes unmade
And now that I've made them
It's clear the path was laid.
Once languishing in the unknown
Now lurched into reality's zone
Unsure exactly how to feel;
Anger sadness, pity, hate
I want to reach out, but it's too late.

Echoes began to precede my voice
You kept me blind, I had no choice
And I helplessly wait for
The wave to swallow me.
And silently implore
While you cowardly flee.
Every form of logic sways me
And my idle mind betrays me.

willful

willing to do everything
except for what it takes
wanting more than a fling
words are all he makes

I try to be mean
he comes for more
I try to be nice
an'e wonders what for

unwilling to change
but demands I do
it sounds a bit strange
and yet it's true

Unpleasant Anniversary?

It's been two year since Miss Anelalea cut me loose.

Last year I really struggled with remembering the circumstances, but this time 'round I almost let the whole day pass without remembering what happened.

I admit, there are still times thoughts of the woman make me mad, but I've vastly improved.

Time heals all wounds right?



Anela, I'll never forget you or what you did, but I'm going to do well and be happy.

Margaret Cho

I'm such a huge fan of Margaret Cho's. I have all her DVDs and admittedly have them memorizes as well, but for the first time ever I saw her live! So great!!! I was worried that with my high expectations she'd leave me disappointed, but she really delivered tonight!

Brokeback Mission

I apologize for the cheesy title, but after my Bosnian coworker said it in response to the following story, I just had to use it.

While I was in SLC, the night before my meet two other swimmers and I went out for a night on the town. We stopped by this little gay bar/dance club called Try-Angles. It was a good time and after about an hour we began to prepare to leave.

I leaned up against the bar to close my tab and someone tapped me on the shoulder asking, "Do you remember me?"

"Elder Whittaker?"

Nate Whittaker not only served in the same mission as me, but we served together for 3 months as companions. And NO, we did not mess around ever.

Now, I must confess that it isn't a surprise to find out Elder Whittaker is gay. However, it is surprising to see him "out." He seems like the type that would remain in the closet forever despite that fact that everyone already assumes he is gay :) Kinda like my first boyfriend. LOL.

QUAC Ski-N-Swim

I competed in my first all gay swim meet this weekend. QUAC hosted the Ski-N-Swim weekend in Salt Lake City. I did surprisingly well; I was not in shape enough to swim the times I did. :)

1st in the 4X50 Medley Relay; I swam the breaststroke leg
1st (by 3 hundreths of a second) in the 4X25 Medley Relay; swam butterfly

25.2 in the 50 Fly
2:05 in the 200IM
56 in the 100IM

Juno

I know there has been tons of hype and advertising about the movie Juno, but I personally only saw it last night. I'd been wanting to see it for months now.

I first caught a glimpse on the apple.com website and knew immediately I had to see it. At that point nobody knew about the low budget film. Every time I said, "I really want to see Juno." People around me would arch one eyebrow thinking I was crazy enough to bring up travel during a movie conversation.

Juno sure didn't disappoint. The acting was great! The dialog so clever and edgy. I loved it! It was one of those films where you begin to think, "How can this possibly end well?" The movie is so honest and real about every situation it portrays that you can't conceive of things working out because in real life it wouldn't. Yet, by the end and despite it all...everyone seems to get what they want...somehow it all works out for the best.

I'm a sucker for a happy ending. I can't help it. Life is filled with tragedy and horrible situations already; I don't want to see it on the big screen! Juno was one of those movies that give you hope. Hope that there are good people out there, hope that things will work out for the best, hope that love is real. It also helps remind me about the people I love and the people who I already know are good; like my parents, Jim, Dave and Bev. How did I get to be so lucky? And how can I forget that they are there? I hope they know that I appreciate them and think about them often.

I definitely recommend the movie, and if you don't happen to like it...I don't want to hear about it :)

Do's and Don'ts with Babies

Check this blog entry out.

New Years Resolutions

1. Find a good therapist (Check)
2. Make a career change and/or job change (Check)
3. Gain 10 lbs in muscle (Check)
4. Focus on people's good qualities in an effort to appreciate them more and improve my attitude towards them. (This is an on going thing, but something I still need to work on)

Walls

What's your motivation when the day is through?
Do you justify your actions by what's been done to you?
Do you do good to bind others to obligation,
To coerce some form of self gratification?

Is it a desire to purge yourself of guilt?
Former circumstances without protection built.
The walls defend against a pain's repeat,
But your walls inevitably bare defeat.

The walls cannot block the pain that's within
The barriers also thwart joy that could begin.

Appropriate Quote

"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against [our] benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit [us]."

~ Anais Nin

Seek

Do I really seek truth?
It's so ugly and uncouth
Each time I strip away a lie
I watch beauty whither and die.

How often does a gorgeous facade
Conceal something most retched and odd?
How often is the sound of praise
Used to manipulate and to maze?

Do the beliefs I cling to for hope
Wrap around my neck in the form of a rope?
Is the reality I think I exist in
Held up by a cloth worn and paper thin?

Taskmaster

The image in permanent view
My self-perception is askew
Ever trying to be
Like those images I see.

The ideal hanging over my head
Other endeavours left unfed
The taskmaster's lashing me;
No chains, yet I do not flee.

I'm afraid there's no place to run
He's been there since life's begun
There's no one crueler, you see;
For the taskmaster is me.

Lunch with Mom

So I took my mom out of lunch today. This is actually the 4th or 5th time we've gone out to eat together. Is that unusual? Some people think it's weird that I take my mom out to eat places.

Truth is, she loves the places I take her so much it's hard not to have a good time.

This time we went to Ticoz near 7th Street and Camelback and she absolutely loved it. I can't wait to take her to some other fun place.

Holy sh*t, it's been a year!

Today I've been with AMEX (contracted through CDI) for a year. Boy, the days felt like weeks, but the weeks felt like days. Made so many good friends, I really am fortunate to work with excellent and open-minded individuals.

I didn't know if they'd renew my contract, come today I was wondering if all of a sudden I'd be unemployed. Fortunately I'm still here and bringing home a paycheck.

Dr. Not-As-Advertised

I have this friend at work that doesn't really work with me, but comes by to say "Hi" sometimes. He's a part of the extended groups of friends that I usually meet through my coworkers.

A while back he asked me if I'd be interested in meeting one of his friends for a date sometime. Immediately I ask, "Well tell me about him, what's he like?"

The picture he painted for me was quite pretty, "Well, he's a doctor and I think about 35"
"No problems there," I reply approvingly.
"...and he's a big body builder type, do you get into that?" my friend asks with sincere doubt.
"I could definitely get into that!" I answer holding back the laughter.

So a couple of weeks later the ball starts rolling...I send my friend a picture of me and he sends it to my date. He likes, check.

Then my friend shoots me an IM, "Man, I really f-ed up...turns out he's actually 45...but he totally looks 35!"

I give the green light, but doubt begins to build.

There's an abnormal delay in getting a reciprocating picture, but I already have such a pretty picture in my head that I proceed; I make all the arrangements, when, where.

I get an email from my work friend, "Here's the picture I kept forgetting to send..."

I download it from my BlackBerry and open it. Stunned, I stood fixated on the small digital pixels for at least a minute.

"Who is this? There must be some mistake. Not only is this man old enough to be my father (45), he looks older than my father (50)."

I studied the picture more, the man was completely bald and slightly chunky looking.

"Body builder? I'm sorry, but no one could stretch it that far."

All the arrangements are made though...it's just not in me to back out. So I go through with it. Many of my friends find my predicament amusing.

The date went exactly as I expected and hoped it would...there was nothing and we ended our evening with a quick hug.


Life goes on as normal now, with one small change. My work friend now has the word "CLUELESS" imagined to be stenciled across his forehead.