Meaning

There is a deep sort of torment
Bread into my mind
A form that was shaped by
The trial of time.

Each swish of a tail
And predator's fail
Lead me down to where I tread
An endless desire to survive instead.

The beat of a wing; the pound of a storm
The sound in my silence weaving thoughts forlorn.
The weight of peace, the emptiness of hate
Molded the consciousness before and late.

The search for meaning for meaning's sake
It's one thing that no one can really fake
Germinated thoughts, hopes and dreams
For me to decide what it really means

Karma

My defenses grow weak
Amid the continued attack
The peace I seek
Is obscured 'cause I lack
The will to resist
The urge to get back
All the justice witheld
And the Karma setback.

Silence

Your heart is the only stone
I've ever known to bleed
You don't want to be alone;
Control is what you need.

In your event horizon
All my hopes and dreams were caught
And the more I gave to you
The more you demanded, sought

No words brought resolution
No good deed enough proof
Until at last my lips were closed
And my soul became aloof.

Bristle at my resistance -
Shoot your poison dart!
While the percussion of my silence
Shakes your hollow heart.

Self-Appraisal

I was listening to NPR today, as I do at times, and I was struck by what most NPR listeners might consider just another piece from that excellent station.
The story outlined the efforts of a very young mother/blogger, Cassie Boorn, to solicit her mature female friends for advise in the form of "Letters to my 20-something self."
I looked Cassie's blog up and read some of the letters.
Although I failed to read all of them, I particularly liked Stephanie Smirnov's letter. She reitterated some life lessons that I, unfortunately, have had to learn over and over again: trust yourself, stop worring, don't obsess about pleasing others, etc.
Right now I have people in my life who think I need big changes. They think I need to be less independent, less insistant on separating groups of people in my life (family, friends, romantic relationships...), less strict with my affection...less strict in general.
I can't honestly say that I needed the re-affirmation that these letters provided, but it was comforting.

In contrast to the letters I'd like to send something to my future self so that I never forget the lessons I've learned

1. Embrace your independence, it has always been a significant source of happiness for you. People who don't like this fact about you aren't interested in your happiness.
2. Separating your friends, family and partners will likely continue to be necessary, but you've accepted this. This is your decision to make and others must respect it or they don't respect you.
3. Allow yourself to love, but no one is allowed to demand or expect it from you.
4. You are a strict person, that is who you are. If someone doesn't like that then they don't like you.
5. You don't need everyone to like you; most people will never like you anyway.
6. People don't change, not really. Don't allow anyone to change you to suit them better.

Mormon Corporate Advertising

I was checking my email and deleting spam when I saw the following advertisement:

That's right, the Mormon Church is advertising on Yahoo!

The ad is animated, fading in and out with these questions "What happens to my loved ones when they die?", "Should I fear death?", "Where do I go when I die?" superimposed over pictures of people with diverse ethnic backgrounds.

I have a few questions of my own...

1. Why the focus on death? My opinion: It appeals to the mysterious and unknown to invoke fear. One of the best ways to manipulate someone long term is to make them fearful. The second step is to convince that person that the church's ideas about death are the only way of escaping/defeating it.
2. Why is the Mormon Church advertising through this medium? My opinion: Churches are corporations; they maximize profits by reaching potential customers anyway they can. Here is a list of other corporations advertising with Yahoo! at the same time: LowerMyBills.com, Wealth Daily (Investment Company), Express (Clothing Company), Classmates (Social Networking Company), Chase (National Bank), NFIB (Small Business Lobbying Firm). If you compared the sales model of each of these corporations with the Mormon Church’s proselytizing program you'd find more parallels than differences. Probably the most glaring difference is that churches aren't subject to taxation.
3. Why the display of diversity? My opinion: In the US, the Mormon Church is overwhelmingly comprised of middle and upper middle class Caucasians. They want to appear more accepting to minority groups. However, this is going to be a hard sell to any non-Mormon who knows anything about the church's history: (1) Mormon's didn't allow Black men to hold positions of authority until 1978; (2) Women are still not permitted to hold authority; (3) the Mormon church does not support equal rights for women and (4) most recently, Mormon's political campaigns to take away and prevent equal rights for gays and lesbians.

Mission Call: 10 years since

Today marks the 10-year anniversary since I received my mission call to Hokkaido, Japan. My mission call was the first link in the chain of events over the next 2+ years that lead me down the road less traveled by...and that has made all the difference.

WoW Update

On August 27 of 2007, I started playing the MMORPG World of Warcraft. I'm still playing and have progress considerably since my last update

I now have 9 characters on the relm I created my first character, Kukuparuma.


Kukuparuma - Warrior - Level 40
Salyndria - Hunter - Level 61
Dabide - Mage - Level 46
Augustyne - Paladin - Level 13
Jacobenz - Priest - Level 80
Yokizuna - Shaman - Level 26
Vektrah - Death Knight - Level 60

The Gay Tax

This is an interesting article about the economic burdens of inequality.

In Response to Ignorance: Part X

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Both of you have mentioned the issue of compassion and this feeling about needing to be compassionate. Let’s fast-forward the scenario that we used earlier, and assume it’s a couple of years later. My conversations with my son, all our efforts to love our son and keep him in the Church have failed to address what he sees as the central issue — that he can’t help his feelings. He’s now told us that he’s moving out of the home. He plans to live with a gay friend. He’s adamant about it. What should be the proper response of a Latter-day Saint parent in that situation?
ELDER OAKS: It seems to me that a Latter-day Saint parent has a responsibility in love and gentleness to affirm the teaching of the Lord through His prophets that the course of action he is about to embark upon is sinful. While affirming our continued love for him, and affirming that the family continues to have its arms open to him, I think it would be well to review with him something like the following, which is a statement of the First Presidency in 1991: “The Lord’s law of moral conduct is abstinence outside of lawful marriage and fidelity within marriage. Sexual relations are proper only between husband and wife, appropriately expressed within the bonds of marriage. Any other sexual conduct, including fornication, adultery, and homosexual and lesbian behavior is sinful. Those who persist in such practices or influence others to do so are subject to Church discipline.” [Jacob: You should expound on what you mean by "church discipline," it sounds harsh, like a threat. Since this rhetoric is so easily misinterpreted and because there is a growing number of people who share the opinion that Mormons hate homosexuals, it would be prudent to incorporate descriptions of loving actions rather than just the word "love."]
My first responsibility as a father is to make sure that he understands that, and then to say to him, “My son, if you choose to deliberately engage in this kind of behavior, you’re still my son. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is powerful enough to reach out and cleanse you if you are repentant and give up your sinful behavior, but I urge you not to embark on that path because repentance is not easy. You’re embarking on a course of action that will weaken you in your ability to repent. It will cloud your perceptions of what is important in life. Finally, it may drag you down so far that you can’t come back. Don’t go that way. But if you choose to go that way, we will always try to help you and get you back on the path of growth. [Jacob: You make the assumption that gay relationships are incapable of growth. This assumption is based on personal beliefs and religious dogma, not fact.]
ELDER WICKMAN: One way to read the Book of Mormon is as a book of encounters between fathers and sons. Some of those encounters were very positive and reinforcing on the part of the father of a son. Some were occasions where a father had to tell his son or his sons that the path that they were following was incorrect before the Lord. With all, it needs to be done in the spirit of love and welcoming that, as Elder Oaks mentioned, ‘You’re always my son.’ There’s an old maxim which is really true for every parent and that is, ‘You haven’t failed until you quit trying.’ I think that means both in terms of taking appropriate opportunities to teach one’s children the right way, but at all times making sure they know that over all things you’ll love them. [Jacob: This concept is simple enough to state, but do we care about how this will be received? The love your implying requires a parent to continually remind a child that they are on the wrong path, that their life is sinful...even if you believe this to be true, do you honestly think that is an environment to sustain an atmosphere of love? Your method does not work well in practice.]

In the Name of Love

It's common to think
As we go through the year
About the meaning of love
And those we hold dear

Each person is unique
In their expression of love
Convinced that they're clear
In conveying thereof.

Some are content
To use verbal fluff
But quickly find
Words are not enough.

Some try to show
With actions alone
Yet without words
Intentions, unknown

Some are foolish,
Verbalize no hate
Actions however,
Often berate

In the name of love
many do toil
But their actions are hate
Deceive and embroil

How does it look
At the end of the day,
When words mean this
But your actions that say?

Proponents of Prop 8 on Google Maps

This is a geographical list of Prop 8 Support donors. Prop. 8 is an amendment to the California State Constitution which bans same-sex marriage.

Fair? Petty?

There are a lot of emotions surrounding the idea of marriage. Honestly, I've never planned to enter into any type of union, but that's not the point. Being a typical libra I'm uncomfortable with inequality.

I brought my boyfriend to my parents house once after I came out (2004) and was politely asked to no do it again...and I've respected their wishes. I actually don't ever expect any partner I have (no matter how long we've been together) to be accepted in my parent's home.

My sister eloped with a non-Mormon in Hawaii and although emotions were strained with my family for a time they all attended their commitment ceremony in Hawaii. Also, her husband would not be excluded from family events based on their relationship.

Is it just me, or does that sound like a double standard?

Me, playing the part of myself, I think about the future and potential scenarios...

I have 4 unmarried siblings, how should I respond (or not respond) to invitations to their legally, socially and religiously endorced unions?

Should I set asside my ideals and principles about the issue, or should I try to level out the playing field in my own little world?

Should I only attend weddings when both parties support gay marriage 100% and the officiating entity does as well?


Is this fair? or is it just petty?

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: What would you say to those members in society, members of the Church, who may look at same-gender attraction as different than other temptations, than any other struggle that people face? First of all, do you think it’s a fair assessment that some people have that feeling? What would you say to them?
ELDER OAKS: I think it is an accurate statement to say that some people consider feelings of same-gender attraction to be the defining fact of their existence. There are also people who consider the defining fact of their existence that they are from Texas or that they were in the United States Marines. Or they are red-headed, or they are the best basketball player that ever played for such-and-such a high school. People can adopt a characteristic as the defining example of their existence and often those characteristics are physical. [Jacob: It's ironic that you compare being from Texas and being a Marine to being gay, for at least 2 reasons. First, both are generally considered to be homophobic and second, you would never legally deny someone the right to marry based on them being Texan and/or a Marine.]
We have the agency to choose which characteristics will define us; those choices are not thrust upon us. [Jacob: Ok, so my choices are being alone, unequal, and socially rejected; or in a loving relationship with the person I love. Hmmm, I'd say that's a no brainer!]
The ultimate defining fact for all of us is that we are children of Heavenly Parents, born on this earth for a purpose, and born with a divine destiny. Whenever any of those other notions, whatever they may be, gets in the way of that ultimate defining fact, then it is destructive and it leads us down the wrong path. [Jacob: Beliefs.]

In Response to Ignorance: Part IX

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: A little earlier, Elder Oaks, you talked about the same standard of morality for heterosexuals and homosexuals. How would you address someone who said to you, ‘I understand it’s the same standard, but aren’t we asking a little more of someone who has same-gender attraction?’ Obviously there are heterosexual people who won’t get married, but would you accept that they at least have hope that ‘tomorrow I could meet the person of my dreams.’ There’s always the hope that that could happen at any point in their life. Someone with same-gender attraction wouldn’t necessarily have that same hope.
ELDER OAKS: There are differences, of course, but the contrast is not unique. There are people with physical disabilities that prevent them from having any hope [Jacob: Once again, homosexuality is not a disability.] — in some cases any actual hope and in other cases any practical hope — of marriage. The circumstance of being currently unable to marry, while tragic, is not unique.
It is sometimes said that God could not discriminate against individuals in this circumstance. But life is full of physical infirmities that some might see as discriminations — total paralysis or serious mental impairment being two that are relevant to marriage [Jacob: Your comparisons are ignorant at best, but in reality they're impertinent. Homosexuality is not a disability]. If we believe in God and believe in His mercy and His justice, it won’t do to say that these are discriminations because God wouldn’t discriminate. We are in no condition to judge what discrimination is. We rest on our faith in God and our utmost assurance of His mercy and His love for all of His children. [Jacob: Hiding discrimination behind religion is not new; it must feel safe to discriminate when you believe in a god who justifies it.]
ELDER WICKMAN: There’s really no question that there is an anguish associated with the inability to marry in this life. We feel for someone that has that anguish. I feel for somebody that has that anguish. But it’s not limited to someone who has same-gender attraction.
We live in a very self-absorbed age. I guess it’s naturally human to think about my own problems as somehow greater than someone else’s. I think when any one of us begins to think that way, it might be well be to look beyond ourselves. Who am I to say that I am more handicapped, or suffering more, than someone else [Jacob: I'm beginning to think I should start getting disability compensation and maybe a handicapped license plate.]?
I happen to have a handicapped daughter. She’s a beautiful girl. She’ll be 27 next week. Her name is Courtney. Courtney will never marry in this life, yet she looks wistfully upon those who do. She will stand at the window of my office which overlooks the Salt Lake Temple and look at the brides and their new husbands as they’re having their pictures taken. She’s at once captivated by it and saddened because Courtney understands that will not be her experience here. Courtney didn’t ask for the circumstances into which she was born in this life, any more than somebody with same-gender attraction did. So there are lots of kinds of anguish people can have, even associated with just this matter of marriage. What we look forward to, and the great promise of the gospel, is that whatever our inclinations are here, whatever our shortcomings are here, whatever the hindrances to our enjoying a fullness of joy here, we have the Lord’s assurance for every one of us that those in due course will be removed. We just need to remain faithful. [Jacob: Homosexuality is neither a physical or mental handicap.]

In Response to Ignorance: Part VIII

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Is heterosexual marriage ever an option for those with homosexual feelings?
ELDER OAKS: We are sometimes asked about whether marriage is a remedy for these feelings that we have been talking about. President Hinckley, faced with the fact that apparently some had believed it to be a remedy, and perhaps that some Church leaders had even counseled marriage as the remedy for these feelings, made this statement: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.” To me that means that we are not going to stand still to put at risk daughters of God who would enter into such marriages under false pretenses or under a cloud unknown to them. Persons who have this kind of challenge that they cannot control could not enter marriage in good faith.
On the other hand, persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate [Jacob: Since gay people are not attracted to the opposite sex your approach is not applicable. You are referring to questioning persons or bisexuals. Also, you seem to imply that men are the only ones who experience homosexual feelings; this is of course false.]
President Hinckley said that marriage is not a therapeutic step to solve problems. [Jacob: True, he did say that. Cynically speaking, Marriage causes more problems than it solves.]
ELDER WICKMAN: One question that might be asked by somebody who is struggling with same-gender attraction is, “Is this something I’m stuck with forever? What bearing does this have on eternal life? If I can somehow make it through this life, when I appear on the other side, what will I be like?”
Gratefully, the answer is that same-gender attraction did not exist in the pre-earth life and neither will it exist in the next life. It is a circumstance that for whatever reason or reasons seems to apply right now in mortality, in this nano-second of our eternal existence.
The good news for somebody who is struggling with same-gender attraction is this: 1) It is that ‘I’m not stuck with it forever.’ It’s just now. Admittedly, for each one of us, it’s hard to look beyond the ‘now’ sometimes. But nonetheless, if you see mortality as now, it’s only during this season. 2) If I can keep myself worthy here, if I can be true to gospel commandments, if I can keep covenants that I have made, the blessings of exaltation and eternal life that Heavenly Father holds out to all of His children apply to me. Every blessing — including eternal marriage — is and will be mine in due course. [Jacob: It seems to me that this interview is being used as a means to inform the public about Mormon beliefs rather than explaining the church's political activity.]
ELDER OAKS: Let me just add a thought to that. There is no fullness of joy in the next life without a family unit, including a husband, a wife, and posterity. Further, men are that they might have joy. In the eternal perspective, same-gender activity will only bring sorrow and grief and the loss of eternal opportunities. [Jacob: These are beliefs, not facts.]

New Year's Resolutions

1. Upgrade my living conditions
   
2. Accumulate $7,000 in savings
   
3. Throw 5 swim team parties at new place
   

Blacklist

The following people have been blacklisted for their bigotted stance on issues of equality:

1. Thomas S. Monson (Leader of the Mormon Church)
2. Rick Warren (Evangelical Minister)
3. George Niederauer (San Francisco Catholic Archbishop)
4. Celestino Migliore (Catholic Archbishop)
5. William Donahue (President of the Catholic League)
6. James Dobson (Founder of Focus on the Family)
7. Fred Phelps (Westboro Baptist Paster)
8. Pat Robertson (Televangelist)
9. Dallin H. Oaks (Mormon Leader)
10. Lance B. Wickman (Mormon Leader)
11. Rush Limbaugh (American Radio Host)
12. George W. Bush (Former President of the US)
13. Dick Cheney (Former Vice President of the US)
14. Rick Santorum (Former US Senator)
15. Patrick Walker (Pastor of the Macedonia Baptist Church in Southeast Washington)
16. Elaine Donnelly (Crusader against gays in the military)
17. Army Sgt. Maj. Brian Jones (Army leader against gays in the military)
18. Steven Anderson (Fundamental Baptist Church Pastor in Tempe, Arizona)
19. Richard J. Malone (Bishop of Portland, OR)
20. Scott Lively (President of Abiding Truth Ministries)
21. John Hagee (Senior pastor of Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas)
22. Ted Haggard (American Evangelical Preacher)

Let me know about others that need to be added...I know there are lots more. I'd like to include those who are against civil rights in general...not just anti-gay persons/organizations.

In Reponse to Ignorance: Part VII

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Is therapy of any kind a legitimate course of action if we’re talking about controlling behavior? If a young man says, “Look, I really want these feelings to go away… I would do anything for these feelings to go away,” is it legitimate to look at clinical therapy of some sort that would address those issues?
ELDER WICKMAN: Well, it may be appropriate for that person to seek therapy. Certainly the Church doesn’t counsel against that kind of therapy. But from the standpoint of a parent counseling a person, or a Church leader counseling a person, or a person looking at his or her same-gender attraction from the standpoint of ‘What can I do about it here that’s in keeping with gospel teachings?’ the clinical side of it is not what matters most. What matters most is recognition that ‘I have my own will. I have my own agency. I have the power within myself to control what I do.’ [Jacob: This is off topic. Yes, yes...we all ability to control what we do. What you describe is inequality. You can marry the opposite sex and don't have to repress your sexuality, but if someone else wishes to marry the same sex they have to repress theirs? Not everyone is Mormon. This is America, we're entitled to our beliefs and equal treatment under the law.]
Now, that’s not to say it’s not appropriate for somebody with that affliction to seek appropriate clinical help to examine whether in his or her case there’s something that can be done about it. This is an issue that those in psychiatry, in the psychology professions have debated. Case studies I believe have shown that in some cases there has been progress made in helping someone to change that orientation; in other cases not [Jacob: That's because some people think being bisexual is the same as being homosexual. This is untrue. People who are truly gay will not be able to be convinced that they're attracted to the opposite sex; people who only prefer the same sex might be deluded into thinking they can make a heterosexual relationship work, but this state is often not sustainable.]. From the Church’s standpoint, from our standpoint of concern for people, that’s not where we place our principal focus. It’s on these other matters.
ELDER OAKS: Amen to that. Let me just add one more thought. The Church rarely takes a position on which treatment techniques are appropriate, for medical doctors or for psychiatrists or psychologists and so on.
The second point is that there are abusive practices that have been used in connection with various mental attitudes or feelings. Over-medication in respect to depression is an example that comes to mind. The aversive therapies that have been used in connection with same-sex attraction have contained some serious abuses that have been recognized over time within the professions. While we have no position about what the medical doctors do (except in very, very rare cases — abortion would be such an example), we are conscious that there are abuses and we don’t accept responsibility for those abuses. Even though they are addressed at helping people we would like to see helped, we can’t endorse every kind of technique that’s been used [Jacob: This may be the official stance of the church, but there are local leaders who encourage therapy and even recommend specific psychologists and psychiatrists. Also, since Mormons preach so consistently that homosexuality is an abomination (a word often associated with hate), parents are motivated to subject their children to therapies that may not be safe.].

In Response to Ignorance: Part VI

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: You’re saying the Church doesn’t necessarily have a position on ‘nurture or nature’
ELDER OAKS: That’s where our doctrine comes into play. The Church does not have a position on the causes of any of these susceptibilities or inclinations, including those related to same-gender attraction. Those are scientific questions — whether nature or nurture — those are things the Church doesn’t have a position on [Jacob: I think the church needs to do a better job of communicating this to their members. Most Mormons I speak with believe the church has a stance on this, and that the stance is that people are not born gay (in other words, not nature)].
ELDER WICKMAN: Whether it is nature or nurture really begs the important question, and a preoccupation with nature or nurture can, it seems to me, lead someone astray from the principles that Elder Oaks has been describing here. Why somebody has a same-gender attraction… who can say? But what matters is the fact that we know we can control how we behave, and it is behavior which is important [Jacob: You're right, everyone is control of their own actions...that is not the issue here. The real question why the Mormon church is supporting inititives that prevent people from being treated equally under the law. Let's try to stay on topic.]

In Response To Ignorance: PART V

PUBLIC AFFAIRS: If we were to look back at someone who had a ‘short fuse,’ and we were to look at their parents who might have had a short fuse, some might identify a genetic influence in that.

ELDER OAKS: No, we do not accept the fact that conditions that prevent people from attaining their eternal destiny were born into them without any ability to control [Jacob: Ok, that's a belief. I was hoping you'd use some facts to justify taking away people's rights.]. That is contrary to the Plan of Salvation, and it is contrary to the justice and mercy of God [Jacob: Belief.]. It’s contrary to the whole teaching of the Gospel of Jesus Christ [Jacob: Belief.], which expresses the truth [Jacob: Not truth, a belief.] that by or through the power and mercy of Jesus Christ we will have the strength to do all things[Jacob: Belief.]. That includes resisting temptation [Jacob: Belief.]. That includes dealing with things that we’re born with, including disfigurements, or mental or physical incapacities [Jacob: Being gay is not a physical or mental impairment.]. None of these stand in the way of our attaining our eternal destiny. The same may be said of a susceptibility or inclination to one behavior or another which if yielded to would prevent us from achieving our eternal destiny [Jacob: I'll let god decide what my Eternal destiny is, not you or your church.].